Shining through the Sorrow

In case you haven't heard, Gabriel's Walk and 5K - which was to be held this Saturday - had  to be cancelled. It's hard to say why we had such a severe lack of interest this year. Maybe because we changed the month. Maybe because we changed the time. But the painfully honest truth is that as Gabriel's mom, it just feels like no one cares about my son anymore. The overwhelming compassion and love that has been extended to us is starting to fade after four years. He's no longer on people's minds. His short life is no longer something people remember. So an event that brought 80-100 people the past three years only brought in 23 people this year. It was a huge smack in the face, but I guess it should be expected... I can at least say this - Those of you who registered, those few companies who were going to sponsor us this year, and those of you who met us at Gabriel's gravesite to celebrate his Angelversary for his 4th Heavenly Birthday: You are holding a very ...

Last night we celebrated my son's 4th Heavenly Birthday, or as we like to call it - his Angelversary.  Family and friends took time out of their busy days to remember my son, a truly amazing gift to us.  We sang happy birthday, wrote messages on balloons, and then released them to float up to Heaven.  My hubby and I both said a few words, and I wrote out beforehand everything I wanted to say this year. So, lucky readers, you get to hear it... There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of Gabriel.  It's not always a conscious thought like, "I wonder what he'd be doing if he were here," but there is always a feeling.  A small tug on my heart.  A gaping hole somewhere within my soul.  A constant knowing that someone very special is missing. It seems so crazy that so much time has gone by, that the precious infant I held - with my nose and daddy's lips - would be a four year old little man today. On this day, I will take a moment to think a...

Waiting on Ruby's arrival was really tough for me.  Like, up there with carrying Gabriel to term.  Obviously, now that I have a healthy baby girl in my arms, this seems ridiculous.  But, alas, it's how I felt in the waiting period. I was growing more and more impatient, anxious, and bitter.  It's not a good state of mind to be in.  I knew all I could do was cry out to Jesus, and everyday that she didn't come, and I felt like He didn't hear me, I wanted to grow further away from Him. It's funny how we say we believe that God is all-knowing, all-powerful, and yet we try to put Him in our own little box, limiting the way we view His knowledge and abilities.  We say we trust in His timing, but then we softly remind Him of our own agenda. There were several days I thought would be perfect birthdays for my Ruby.  Father's Day.  Our 8 year wedding anniversary.  June 26th just cause it was 6/26 and I liked the repeating 6's.  Hey, I was ...

My precious baby girl is a week old today!  I figured I should write her birth story before I forget all the exciting details!  Here's the last photo taken of me pregnant with Ruby, three days overdue.  I'm on the left, posing with my sweet friend Branda, at her baby shower. Some Background Two Saturdays ago, I wrote about waiting on Ruby and described all the things I had been doing to get her to come out.  That following Monday I called the midwives' office and asked to come in to check on her, as I was growing more and more anxious.  I was hooked up to a monitor and it was determined that all was well.  I went back to a midwife appt on Wednesday for my official non-stress test and ultrasound - to basically do the same thing - determine that all was well.  I was checked and found to still be 3cm.  I left the appointment feeling very discouraged.  It certainly seems crazy now, but at the time I just felt like she was never going to c...

Disclaimer:  I'm writing this so I can remember all these details.  And the details are way TMI.  So, you've been warned.  If you're of the male species, especially a family member, you should probably head on over to Buzzfeed now... How I spent hours this week - Bouncing So, today I'm 40 weeks 3 days along.  Never in a million years did I think I'd still be pregnant.  I didn't think I'd ever see my due date, not to mention pass it.  Being way pregnant is so not fun.  I didn't have to experience the last month (plus) of pregnancy agony with my boys, and I'd highly recommend that to anyone.  This stuff isn't for the weak - not sleeping, having Braxton Hicks contractions night and day, swelling hands and feet, and earning your sausage fingers.  Not to mention how difficult it is on you emotionally - thinking everyday is the day, thinking your water could break at any second every time your head hits the pillow at night, having false...

Dearest Ruby Mae, I love you.  I really do.  In fact, I love you so much, that I'd actually like to see your face, and hold you in my arms.  It's time.  Time to come out.  Time to exit.  Head on down, love. Yes, I'm technically 39 weeks and you could decide to continue baking for seven to 14 days.  Believe me, people keep reminding me of that.  But, sweet Ruby, I beg of you - do not attempt that.  It won't be fun for anyone involved.  You're getting bigger, and what's worse - I'm getting bigger... and possibly more emotional.  Maybe.  You see, your big brothers both entered the world at 36 weeks, so even though it's completely crazy and irrational (see, I admit it!) - I tend to feel "overdue" by the time I'm in my 37th week.  So, everyday since then, I think "Today might be the day!"  And I go to bed weary, and wake up even more upset that nothing happened in the night. I was the same way with your big sister, a...

Sometimes I come across an article or a video, (in in the case - BOTH) that does a much better job than I at explaining something.  Today's post is one of those times.  I would like to encourage you to check out the short article HERE , and to take the 15 minutes to watch the video attached. The speech is called "Beyond Closure" and is from a TED conference.  Nancy Berns does such an amazing job of explaining that joy and grief can coexist in the same person, in the same space, at the same time.  She beautifully explains how our culture wants anyone grieving to have closure , but that it is not only not possible, but it's not best. Seriously.  Great video.  Check it out. I recently experienced this question in real life - Can joy and grief coexist?  It was this past Saturday.  Kyle was away all morning helping a friend move, and I was home with the kids.  There was a lot of excitement in the air, because Joel knew his 5th birthday party...