Shining through the Sorrow

"If you've been on this journey with me for the past five years, you know it's been rocky and awful, with just a few dashes of joy mixed in.  And as the years went by, each angelversary got a little easier.  The pain started to diminish.  The memories of my son were becoming just that, memories.  The tiny amount of time we had with Gabe became moments that took more and more effort to recall. My soul was restoring.  It was getting easier.  Time really was "healing all wounds." And then last Spring, I began hearing parents talk about Kindergarten registration.  Their photos began popping up online, as everyone engaged in the familiar discussion about sending our babies out into the world.  How hard it would be to let them go...  And I began to ache. The sorrow returned, and the tears started falling and I think for the first time I truly understood the phrase "you'll never get over it."  Because that would mean putting him beh

Dearest friends, tomorrow is August 21st.  And of course the rain has started as I've sat down to write this blog.  My Gabriel would have been turning five years old.  To soften the blow, I sugarcoat it by saying we'll be celebrating his 5th Angelversary. Speaking of sugar and celebrations...  Do you think everyone in Heaven is busy preparing for his birthday?   I can imagine them all very busy, decorating a big room and wrapping little gifts.  Do you think right now Heaven is filled with the smell of cake?  Well, maybe.  But maybe that's what Heaven always smells like, haha. As always, we'll be at his gravesite tomorrow at 6pm for our annual balloon release.  It's a precious time for us to remember him with others, share his photos and scrapbooks, and talk to our kids about where exactly he is.  The balloons have always served as a great picture of how far away he is from us.  We all write messages and words of love on each balloon, and then send them off

August is hard.  It feels dark and heavy in my soul.  Every year, this month quickly approaches and suddenly I'm whisked back in time, remembering what it was like to have to bury my newborn son.  Suddenly I can vividly recall that tight feeling in my chest, the ability to cry at most everything, and the deep sorrow that feels like a physical wound in my heart.  I find myself really taking the time to study his sweet face, even though his pictures surround me all year long.  What a sweet little face.  Momma's missing you so much, Gabriel ! You all know I'm trying desperately to find joy in all things, and with God's help, have been doing really well.  The other day I had a wonderful conversation with my oldest and wanted to share it with you... Because there are so many summer birthdays in our family, Joel was pondering which birthday was coming up next.  Completely on his own, he remembered Gabe's birthday was approaching.  With tears in my eyes I asked him if

So I want to tell you about the dream I had last night, but the thing about dreams is that they sound even more crazy when you're trying to describe them to someone else.  Try to stay with me, there is a point to all of this. So, it's the future.  Haha, obviously.  Everything is very dark and sad.  We're in the middle of some kind of world war and are now being ruled by a very evil presence.  Someone has taken charge of every aspect of life, and we all have to obey this person and his commands.  The way we dress, where we go, when we're allowed to be out.  As I'm walking through the dark and desolate town, very scared and uncertain, I suddenly realize I'm not with my kids.  I don't know where they are, but they're not with me.  I begin to panic and spend most of this dream searching all over for them.  I'm a wreck.  I'm so afraid that they're alone, or worse, with someone who is causing them harm. I finally find them.  They're okay.