Shining through the Sorrow

Last night was the always beautiful, somewhat magical, Labor of Love Christmas service.  It's a night I look forward to every year.  Last year there were two men who shared about their losses, and it moved me so much I blogged about it.  You can read that entry here .  I knew I needed to share this year, but only if when I sat down to write, something poured out of me.  And, of course, that's exactly what happened.  Below is what I shared to the many Infant Loss mommas, daddys, grandparents, nurses, and friends in attendance... This year's ornament -  a Key, to unlock the Love in our Hearts. I just wanted to take a moment to express my gratitude to Labor of Love, and all the people who are now more like family than friends. Being able to gather with a group of people who understand exactly how you feel, who have endured the same tremendous loss, is such a beautiful gift. I lost my son, Gabriel, seven years ago. In many ways it feels lik...

Yesterday's forecast called for thunderstorms and hail.  I was already a hot mess, and the thought that we'd have to cancel for the first time ever due to weather was heartbreaking.  It rained while I picked up the balloons.  It poured while we gathered everything to bring to the cemetery.  It sprinkled when we arrived and started setting everything up.  Kyle pointed out the gorgeous floral arrangement left by a precious friend, and the tears started.  My mother-in-law arrived with cupcakes that perfectly matched the bouquet (completely not planned) and I was officially bawling.  But then the skies cleared as people joined us around his gravesite.  We were all able to give hugs, catch up, and talk about my special little boy - all while not having to huddle under the tiny canopy we brought as back up.  We quickly sang Happy Birthday so that the kids could enjoy the Main Event - the cupcakes.  As they ate I said the following words, befo...

Wednesday evening was the annual Labor of Love Memorial Service.  One of the most treasured evenings of my year, our infant loss support group gathers in a beautiful church for a time of traditional Christmas hymns, loved ones sharing their stories, and a special tradition where we all light candles and say our precious babies names - one by one.  It is the perfect way to start what should be a very joyous holiday, but one that can sometimes feel too heavy and sad for some.  It's a time to honor our babies' short lives and praise God for the time we did have. We go through a Litany of Loss, Remembrance, and of Hope.  In unison, we all speak the words, "We remember them."  It's always a memorable event.  But this year was the best yet. What I'm feeling the need to share about, and always remember for myself, are the two gentlemen who were brave enough to stand in front of a very full church and express their heartfelt stories.  The first was a yo...

The words I spoke at Gabriel's 6th Heavenly Birthday... "In years past, I have carefully chosen the words I would speak at Gabriel's Angelversaries. I tried to write this out several times this week, and remembered that in the past I wrote things mostly with you all in mind.  Who would show up to offer love and support?  And what would they need to hear?   When thinking about what I wanted to say, what I kept coming back to was that as the years have gone by, my living children continue to grow and mature - they are understanding this great loss more and more.  They are very aware that they have a brother who is not here with them, and Zoe especially talks of him often.  When I told her we were going to Gabe's graveside tonight she said, "and he'll be there?!" When I said no, she excitedly said, "Oh, it's the last day? And we're going up in the sky?" Breaks my heart that I have try to put our reality into words tha...

"If you've been on this journey with me for the past five years, you know it's been rocky and awful, with just a few dashes of joy mixed in.  And as the years went by, each angelversary got a little easier.  The pain started to diminish.  The memories of my son were becoming just that, memories.  The tiny amount of time we had with Gabe became moments that took more and more effort to recall. My soul was restoring.  It was getting easier.  Time really was "healing all wounds." And then last Spring, I began hearing parents talk about Kindergarten registration.  Their photos began popping up online, as everyone engaged in the familiar discussion about sending our babies out into the world.  How hard it would be to let them go...  And I began to ache. The sorrow returned, and the tears started falling and I think for the first time I truly understood the phrase "you'll never get over it."  Because that would mean put...

Dearest friends, tomorrow is August 21st.  And of course the rain has started as I've sat down to write this blog.  My Gabriel would have been turning five years old.  To soften the blow, I sugarcoat it by saying we'll be celebrating his 5th Angelversary. Speaking of sugar and celebrations...  Do you think everyone in Heaven is busy preparing for his birthday?   I can imagine them all very busy, decorating a big room and wrapping little gifts.  Do you think right now Heaven is filled with the smell of cake?  Well, maybe.  But maybe that's what Heaven always smells like, haha. As always, we'll be at his gravesite tomorrow at 6pm for our annual balloon release.  It's a precious time for us to remember him with others, share his photos and scrapbooks, and talk to our kids about where exactly he is.  The balloons have always served as a great picture of how far away he is from us.  We all write messages and words of love o...

My dearest Ruby Mae, Motherhood offers many lessons, and there's one I know too well.  It all goes by so quickly.  I knew there would soon be a moment when all the long days would turn into the close of your first year.  Twelve months gone in the blink of an eye; this has been the fastest year of my life. I'm so thankful I have been making a conscience effort to enjoy all my little moments with you along the way... Friday was your birthday.  Saturday was your party.  And today was the momentous occasion of your well check appointment.  You have grown so much, you impressed us all!  You are now in the 75th percentile for weight, and the 96th for your height.  "She's going to be tall like Daddy," I hear so often. You are eating lots of table food, pancakes being your favorite.  Just this morning you ate three, after drinking all your milk.  Within the last week, you've started pulling yourself to stand on anything and everything...

"God gave us our memories so that we might have roses in December."  -J.M. Barrie Last night was the annual Christmas memorial service, held by the infant loss support group Labor of Love.  This year we met at a new church - a much bigger church - to accommodate the growing number of families who attend to remember their precious babies.  Which is pretty sad when you think about it. The church was gorgeous.  Beautiful stained glass windows, and tall wooden pews.  The perfect place to sing "Silent Night" and "Away in a Manger," which both have new meaning to me since losing Gabriel. At some point yesterday morning, I knew I was going to speak at the service.  I have never shared at the Christmas service before, but something was telling me I had to do it.  Truth be told, I spent a little bit of time going over my almost five years of blogging history, in the hopes that I would stumble upon some holiday-themed blog post, already written in ...

Last night we celebrated my son's 4th Heavenly Birthday, or as we like to call it - his Angelversary.  Family and friends took time out of their busy days to remember my son, a truly amazing gift to us.  We sang happy birthday, wrote messages on balloons, and then released them to float up to Heaven.  My hubby and I both said a few words, and I wrote out beforehand everything I wanted to say this year. So, lucky readers, you get to hear it... There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of Gabriel.  It's not always a conscious thought like, "I wonder what he'd be doing if he were here," but there is always a feeling.  A small tug on my heart.  A gaping hole somewhere within my soul.  A constant knowing that someone very special is missing. It seems so crazy that so much time has gone by, that the precious infant I held - with my nose and daddy's lips - would be a four year old little man today. On this day, I will take a moment to think a...

You're welcome... Yellow Balloons for the Birthday Boy Rainbow Pizza!! My gorgeous girl enjoying her cupcake... Friendship and Sunlight Rainbow Cupcakes - GORGEOUS Releasing our Heavenly Messages Up, Up, and Away!