Shining through the Sorrow

Every year during the month of October, artist Carly Marie challenges all Infant Loss parents to participate in Project Heal.  For every day of the month, she comes up with a subject of discussion for you to explore through photography and writing. Even though Gabriel has been gone over five years, for the first time, I felt really compelled to participate in this challenge.  Not all of the subjects spoke to me, but for the ones I shared online (either on my personal Instagram account or on Facebook), I wanted to gather them to present in one place. Day 1: SUNRISE.  My view down the driveway as Joel and I walk to the bus stop.  Today I will take in the scent of Fall and the beautiful views and remember those no longer with us. Day 2: HEART.  This is my most loved, and therefore most shared picture of Gabriel.  Our love for him had been growing for months, but when he was born, his precious face immediately captured our hearts.  He had momma's nose and daddy'

So a few weeks ago, I went on a road trip.  There were a number of emotions surrounding this venture - anxiety over driving into and navigating around a big city, and lots of excitement about celebrating the engagement of two beautiful, important people.  A lovely visit with family, and a chance to meet a group of people for the very first time.  I promise you, it never occurred to me that the dreadful, inevitable topic of conversation was going to arise - How many children do I have. That evening, a few moments into this intimate gathering, I heard more than one person say, "So your husband is at home with your three kids?" and I distinctly remember thinking, "How perfect.  Yes, I do have three kids at home .  We'll just go with that."  I was happy, I was smiling, it was wonderful. Believe me when I say - I do not intentionally want to make people feel awkward.  I do not want to purposefully tell total strangers about my dead son.  That's not my agenda