Shining through the Sorrow

My dearest Ruby Mae, Motherhood offers many lessons, and there's one I know too well.  It all goes by so quickly.  I knew there would soon be a moment when all the long days would turn into the close of your first year.  Twelve months gone in the blink of an eye; this has been the fastest year of my life. I'm so thankful I have been making a conscience effort to enjoy all my little moments with you along the way... Friday was your birthday.  Saturday was your party.  And today was the momentous occasion of your well check appointment.  You have grown so much, you impressed us all!  You are now in the 75th percentile for weight, and the 96th for your height.  "She's going to be tall like Daddy," I hear so often. You are eating lots of table food, pancakes being your favorite.  Just this morning you ate three, after drinking all your milk.  Within the last week, you've started pulling yourself to stand on anything and everything...

Sometimes when I'm overwhelmed with life, when my kids are acting like kids, I glance over at my sister and say, "This is my life."  It always gets a good laugh.  Today I'm having one of those, "Is this really my life?!" moments.  Not a woe-is-me feeling, but a life-is-GOOD. I just paused from washing the dishes in my kitchen to write this blog.  I can hear the joyful sounds of Joel and Zoe playing outside.  I look out the window above the sink to see a bush carefully holding a nest of newborn birds.  And I easily glance at the play area my husband has made for our kiddos to enjoy.  I take another second to peek out the windows in the laundry room - which have new bamboo curtains at the halfway point down, so that I can have privacy, but Kyle can take easily keep an eye on our beautifully wooded lot to see deer running by or foxes playing with our dog.  For real. I catch a glimpse of the kids, playing at the newly built picnic table.  M...

My dear Joel, You're officially six years old!  It's very hard for Momma to believe.  It really does seem like just yesterday that I was in the hospital having you.  Here 's your birth story, if you want to relive those amazing moments.  I'm sitting here in awe, thinking about that day.  What a gift you are to me, Joel.  You are the little man responsible for turning me into a Momma!  I'm so incredibly blessed by your little life. I continue to be so amazed at the young man you are becoming.  You have the sweetest temperament, which obviously comes from your loving Daddy.  Your heart is full of genuine empathy, and it's truly amazing to see.  And you have a crazy amount of gratitude.  You are thankful for life's everyday gifts like occasional ice cream treats and getting to wear your favorite Lego t-shirt. Just this morning, I was feeding Ruby breakfast and I was reminded of you at her age.  I pointed out to you that Ruby...

I originally started writing after we received my son's fatal diagnosis.  You can catch up on that blog here .  A wise friend suggested I start a website, a place to update family and friends, knowing that it would be mentally exhausting to talk to people one at a time.  Then two years ago I started this site with blogspot.  There have been over 100 posts written in the last two years, but there continues to be one entry read more times than all the others.  The one about the tattoos . It was a fun one to write.  Taking the time to look back on all the ink, the reasons I originally got them done, and how they have transformed as I have matured.  I specifically remember getting an email from a mom after she read that entry.  Her adult son was covered in tattoos, and she didn't really understand the point behind it all.  She said my blog helped her understand that tattoos can be a way you share your life and faith with others.  She encou...

My dearest Gabriel, I miss you.  I think about you all the time.  I see your face in my sweet Ruby and wonder if your personality would have been more like your sweet and sensitive brother Joel, or confident and funny like your little sister Zoe.  Just the other week in church, I felt the very strong presence of God.  Like a lightning bolt, I heard His voice assure me, "I know you miss him dearly.  Remember that I know best."  I have comfort in knowing that you are in Heaven, with your perfect, healed, whole body, in the presence of God.  How wonderful for you.  Still missing you, though. Recently there has been a lot of drama in the Infant Loss Community.  The online magazine Still Standing , posted an article entitled "I am the Face of a Heartbreaking Choice."  You can read it here .  I quickly realized it was about mothers who were given the choice to terminate their pregnancies for medical reasons.  Part of me didn't wa...

Hello readers!  I feel like I have a million things going on in  my head, and one thought is clear - I've got to start writing more.  I've said it a million times - it's therapeutic, helps me gain insight, and allows me to clear my mind. Dare I say, I'm going to try to start two entries a week - Thursday Thoughts and Monday Memoirs.  My "thoughts" will probably be random and change week to week, and my "memoirs" will be letters to my children.  Something specifically for them to read in the coming years. So what's in my head today that I just MUST share.  Oh, this house.  Kyle found this listing online, and instantly fell in love.  I was really pregnant with Ruby, remembering our last move when I was really pregnant with Joel, and was trying my best to be a supportive wife.  I vividly remember the first time he brought me to see the property.  He had already been over several times.  Once with a realtor, then a few more times ju...