The Rain Paused

"If you've been on this journey with me for the past five years, you know it's been rocky and awful, with just a few dashes of joy mixed in.  And as the years went by, each angelversary got a little easier.  The pain started to diminish.  The memories of my son were becoming just that, memories.  The tiny amount of time we had with Gabe became moments that took more and more effort to recall.

My soul was restoring.  It was getting easier.  Time really was "healing all wounds."

And then last Spring, I began hearing parents talk about Kindergarten registration.  Their photos began popping up online, as everyone engaged in the familiar discussion about sending our babies out into the world.  How hard it would be to let them go...  And I began to ache.

The sorrow returned, and the tears started falling and I think for the first time I truly understood the phrase "you'll never get over it."  Because that would mean putting him behind me, completely forgetting him, and never looking back.  And that's just not something a mother can do.

This past year, my biggest struggle was thinking way too much about how others were interpreting how I should be grieving (or NOT grieving, if it were up to them.)  And part of me does understand - No one wants to talk about Infant Loss.  And there are many people who don't care to see his precious face.  

But then, there's you.  Your love is unconditional.  You understand that Gabriel's life and death are very much a part of my reality.  There's a quote that says, "The hardest part about losing a child, is that it happens again every single day."  You see, it's being without him that I'll never get used to.  There is no forgetting him.

Thank you for allowing me to grieve his loss, year after year.  Thank you for understanding that a huge part of my family, and my heart, is missing.  And thank you for helping me to remember that I have hope in Jesus and in Heaven, and in the amazing moment when I'll see him again.  Here's to hoping we aren't sad again until he would have been graduating!"

Those were the words I spoke last night, at our Balloon Release for Gabriel's 5th Heavenly Birthday.

 

I was just talking with dear friend about the evening and she summed it up so beautifully, I'm going to share her words with you.  "I wouldn't miss it for the world. Something felt so beautiful and heartbreaking and holy all wrapped up into one last night. I couldn't shut off the tears."

This year I was surprised by friends who asked if they could take over all the planning for Gabriel's 5th Angelversary.  It was such a beautiful gift to not have to spend extra energy worrying about all the tiny details that go into making a night so special.  And every.single.detail. last night blew me away.  We walked up to greet friends standing next to tables, where Gabriel's pictures and photo albums were beautifully displayed.  There was a huge painted picture of his new Gabe Fund logo, with silver paint for everyone to add their fingerprint onto the wings.  I know.  Amazing.  

Every silver balloon had a sand dollar cut out on a tiny round piece of paper, turns out that paper has seeds in it.  My friend wanted every balloon that floated away in the sky, to eventually create new life wherever it landed.  Are you kidding me?  How beautiful is that?  There was food, a little cake with a giant number five candle, and approximately one million cupcakes for the guests to enjoy.  There were crayons and handmade coloring sheets with rainbows and angels for the kids to enjoy.  There was even a gorgeous program printed for each guest, detailing the order of events for the evening, along with the lyrics to one of my favorite songs, Oceans.

 

We walked over to Gabriel's grave, and there were beautiful flowers on his stone.  I've literally never seen it look prettier.  Friends took turns talking about my sweet son, praying over our evening and over my family.  And right on time, a loving gentleman showed up with a guitar and we all sang Oceans while he played.

I was holding Ruby in my arms and she was beaming because I was singing.  I got stuck there, just singing and studying her smiling face.  And then I glanced up and realized where my feet were planted, where I was, who I was surrounded by, why we were all singing.  It hit me hard.  It was a beautiful and very sacred moment.  I'm so grateful for that gift.

 

And although it rained all afternoon, it never rained on us.  The skies never opened up the entire time we were there.  And on our drive home along sweet country roads, Kyle and I stared at the most beautiful sunset with bright oranges and pinks.  It was the perfect ending to this bittersweet day.  All day long I received sweet texts, emails, and notifications of people writing amazing things on my Facebook wall.  I was encouraged and uplifted and prayed for, and it was obvious.  If you had ANY part of last night, please accept my heartfelt THANK YOU.  Every beautiful detail did not go unnoticed.  Thank you all for your presence, your hugs, and your genuine smiles.  Love you all.

Please help us reach our goal of delivering 100 shirts to our friends and family by making a donation to The Gabriel Fund, in care of Young Life of Washington County.  We're going to keep this event open just a few more days, so please act now!  Use THIS LINK.