What I Said

The words I spoke at Gabriel's 6th Heavenly Birthday...

"In years past, I have carefully chosen the words I would speak at Gabriel's Angelversaries. I tried to write this out several times this week, and remembered that in the past I wrote things mostly with you all in mind.  Who would show up to offer love and support?  And what would they need to hear?  

When thinking about what I wanted to say, what I kept coming back to was that as the years have gone by, my living children continue to grow and mature - they are understanding this great loss more and more.  They are very aware that they have a brother who is not here with them, and Zoe especially talks of him often. 

When I told her we were going to Gabe's graveside tonight she said, "and he'll be there?!" When I said no, she excitedly said, "Oh, it's the last day? And we're going up in the sky?" Breaks my heart that I have try to put our reality into words that a four year old can understand. 

So today our Gabriel would be six years old.  And this year, I'm thinking about how much HE would comprehend, and all the things I want and need him to know...

My sweet Gabe, I wonder what you'd look like today. I wonder if you're growing older in Heaven with each passing year or if I'll find you as my tiny baby when I finally make my way back to you.  

I wonder what you'd be like, if you'd be sweet and sensitive like your brother Joel. A little shy, with a kind heart and full of faith and compassion.  Or if you'd be an oxymoron like your sister Zoe  - who's our Rainbow Baby and our Grumpy Cat, so strong and independent yet has a deadly peanut allergy. The one who makes us laugh and then angrily insists she's not funny.  (Which is something my sister did as a little girl.) Or would you be like our Ruby, so funny and silly. Precious and sweet, a lover of animals and cuddles on the couch.

No matter what you'd look like, or how your personality would have developed - I hope you know how grateful I still am of the small amount of time I had with you, how precious you are to me and how much I desperately miss you.  I hope you know that your life was so important and that you're loved by so many.  I hope you understand that no matter how many babies we have, there's a hole in our family that can never be filled.  You will never be forgotten, not ever."

This year we tried to do lanterns instead of our typical balloon release.  It actually ended up being an Epic Fail, but for the best reason ever - The weather was actually lovely, with a nice breeze!  I think literally every other year it's been horribly sticky and humid.  Winds aren't great for trying to light things on fire, or for wanting them to go up, instead of over into the trees.  But the kids opened them up and ran around pretending they were kites, which was pretty adorable.  So no one was left disappointed.

After singing Happy Birthday, eating amazing cupcakes made lovingly by Grandma, saying a few words and attempting the lanterns - we started cleaning up and Joel came up to me absolutely sobbing.  He looked up at me and said, "I just really miss Gabe."  I was in shock for a few seconds, as this was the first time he'd ever really shown this much emotion, and something told me to say, "Well, why don't we go over to his gravesite and you can talk to him.  He can hear you."  "He can?!"  So we walked over, sat down at his beautiful headstone and Joel began telling his brother all the things he needed to say.  That he missed him, and loved him, and that if he was here they'd be best friends and share a room.  And then, as a humble request, he asked that the new baby would please be a baby brother.  The entire thing just broke my heart, seeing my little man so sad.  But I know that his own understanding of what he's lost continues to grow, and that knowing his brother is in Heaven with Jesus is a true gift in many ways.

It allows him to better understand that this life is temporary.  That death awaits us all.  That Heaven is a real place where believers spend eternity, and to hold on to the hope that we'll all be together again one day.  Thank you for that, Gabe.

Kyle and I, with baby #5.