Grey's Anatomy

In the years since I lost my Gabriel, there have been many forms of media out there which have echoed my loss.  Plenty of song lyrics have adequately mirrored my pain and there are even several movies out there on the topic such as The Other Woman, and Return to Zero.  I even blogged about how the television show Downton Abbey had done such a beautiful job describing grief.

But none of these examples have hit so close to home as what has recently been portrayed on Grey's Anatomy.  I was warned by many of how similar the specifics were to the exact scenario that happened within my family, so for weeks I have been avoiding the show even though I've never before missed an episode. 

My sister texted me after she watched it all unfold to see if I was watching along.  She said it made her cry, that it was very raw and intense.  I wasn't sure if watching the familiar plot unfold before my own eyes was going to feel like torture, or if all the tears that would inevitably fall would be cleansing and therapeutic.  So, for whatever reason, I decided to catch up today...  Here's the recap, below.

Doctors Avery Jackson and April Kepner are having a baby.  Around 20 weeks gestation they discover they're having a baby boy who has a fatal diagnosis.  Best case scenario, baby would need surgery after surgery with little quality of life.  Worst case scenario, he would only live minutes after birth.

There's a scene where the couple discusses whether they think they should terminate the pregnancy or keep the baby.  The husband and wife disagree on this controversial topic.  Avery begins to argue, "any amount of time he survives, any amount of time he lives,"  April interjects, "will be with us, in our arms knowing that he is loved and wanted."

"Maybe we were given this baby for a reason," April says.  Hours later her mother-in-law is comforting her, "You'll give birth to your beautiful little boy.  And you'll give him a name!  And have him baptized right then and there.  Then you'll get to hold that baby.  You'll pray for him and sing to him. You're going to look at him.  You're gonna look at him and memorize every little detail of his face.  And you will do that as long as he lives.  You will do that, until God takes him.  That's how you will do this."

He was born alive.  They named him Samuel, which would have been our next baby boy name, after the story in the bible, "for this child I have prayed."  Both parents smiled through tear-stained faces as he was brought into this world.  They had their little miracle, he squeezed his momma's finger as they held him in their arms.  And then he let go.  And then he was gone.

I was fine during this entire scene.  It wasn't until the next scene that I gasped and the tears really started to fall.  We see a doctor walk into the chapel.  To her surprise, all the candles up front were lit, as doctor after doctor (friend after friend) had come inside during the day and said a prayer for Jackson and April.  This was her suggestion, as no one was sure how to comfort the couple on this very difficult day.  Another doctor walks in the chapel, sits down next to her, and she says to him, "My baby lived for 43 minutes."  Finally it all makes sense.  She knew what they needed, because she'd been there herself.

April is not alone.  I am not alone.  Every Infant Loss Momma I know is not alone.  Unfortunately this is a heartache way too many of us know all too well.

"There are no goodbyes for us, wherever you are, you will always be in my heart." -Mahatma Gandhi

Hugs to you, sweet mommas.