THE Question - Part III


I have blogged about this before.  Twice actually.  You can read about it here and here. 

But, here’s the thing.  Answering the question, “How many children do you have” is not exactly getting any easier. 

I met a new mom at my church on Sunday.  And, of course, I got asked THE question.  I answered, “three” really quickly and then started asking her as many questions as I could think of, hoping we’d just skip the part where I have to actually describe all three of my kids.  But, she was a kind woman, and eventually we got back on the subject of me when she asked, “So what are your kids’ ages?”

Darnit!  So close!  So, then I had to give my generic answer, “Joel is almost four, Zoe is almost ten months, and Gabriel passed away shortly after birth.”

And then, it happened.  She got all sad and pitiful.  That is NEVER my intention – to make someone feel badly.  It just happens.  So, of course, I had the thought, “I should have just said two.” But, that’s not okay either!  Cause I would have been way more mad at myself for denying Gabriel in that way.  He IS my kid.  I birthed him.  Just like my other two.  I will never forget him and I cannot deny that he is my child.

I think it might be easier if I just stated their ages, like I’ve thought about doing before – “Joel is four, Gabe would have been three, and Zoe is a year” – instead of ending with the fact that he passed away.  Think that would help?  Any other suggestions?  Thanks, friends.

Comments

  1. BrittanyMay 22, 2012 at 12:13 PM

    When I was pregnant with Keira, it was easy because people would ask if she was my first. I would say that her older brother WOULD HAVE BEEN whatever age. Now, like you, it's hard again. Honestly though, I don't even mention Tyler sometimes, depending in the situation. I feel ok protecting his memory. I do get a "feeling" once in awhile and mention him anyway (when I would normally feel that that was not a good time) and it usually turns out that the person/people I'm talking to have a similar story of their own. I think it's important for that lady from church to know about Gabe. The teenage cashier at Walmart who is just trying to be nice...not so much :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Heather KMay 31, 2012 at 5:59 PM

    I like your approach, just say their ages and leave out the statement about passing.

    ReplyDelete
  3. UnknownMarch 11, 2015 at 12:06 AM

    I found your blog because I was looking for other angel moms looking for that answer. I was asked that question today... I answered 2! Now, here I sit, tears in my eyes, 12 hours later wishing that I would have said 3. My daughter would have been 11 this coming July and I still wonder what answer I should give. By not counting her, I feel as if I am denying her...

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    Replies
    1. UnknownApril 21, 2015 at 11:51 AM

      Hello Jodi! Thanks for reading, although I'm sorry you were feeling badly when you posted. Please know I know how you feel, as I've done the same thing before. Praying you feel more at peace today.

      Delete
  4. Amber L... Sophia's Mommy =)June 14, 2015 at 1:08 AM

    I thank all of you ladies for posting...

    I found your this blog post for the same reason... My daughter Sophia passed 4 months ago (stillborn at full term due to cord death). I just started back to work for the first time since everything happened, at a new job no less, this week. I've been asked "the question" a good 10 times already. Each time, it's like being punched in the stomach. It's a no-win situation. I never, ever want to deny her- she is my daughter and I think of her literally all the time. It's unrelenting. At the same time, I am struggling to keep it together emotionally.

    I always mention her but have been saying that she passed in February- which usually leads to a slew of questions that I have to dance around to avoid a full-on tear fest at work.

    After reading this, I will be saying "would have been" instead... I'm sure I will still be getting some questions, stating it that way just makes me feel better (so I'll be better equipped to handle the "OMG I'm so sorry"s and the "What happened if you don't mind me asking"s, and the always-fun "Why are you back at work so soon? I would just curl up and die" (no seriously! I actually have gotten that one a couple of times).

    ReplyDelete

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