Shining through the Sorrow

Yesterday I had to run some errands very close to Gabe’s gravesite, so I was happy to be able to stop by.   Joel was asking a million questions about where we were going, who we were seeing, and I nonchalantly told him that we were going to visit Gabe. We pulled into the cemetery and Joel said he wanted to get out of the Jeep with me.   I figured he knew where we were, we’ve been here a million times with him before.   But, he’s almost four now.   And I know his comprehension of things is changing every day. The Jeep stopped, I got out and opened his door.   He looked at me, totally confused and said, “Where is he?   I don’t see him?” I quickly tried to remind him of where we were, that this is where we laid Gabe’s body, but that his spirit was in Heaven.   Really, Meghan?   Like that makes any sense to a toddler.   I just didn’t know what else to say. “I want to go there, Momma!   I want to be with him!” Heart. Sinking....

I have blogged about this before.   Twice actually.   You can read about it here and here .   But, here’s the thing.   Answering the question, “How many children do you have” is not exactly getting any easier.   I met a new mom at my church on Sunday.   And, of course, I got asked THE question.   I answered, “three” really quickly and then started asking her as many questions as I could think of, hoping we’d just skip the part where I have to actually describe all three of my kids.   But, she was a kind woman, and eventually we got back on the subject of me when she asked, “So what are your kids’ ages?” Darnit!   So close!   So, then I had to give my generic answer, “Joel is almost four, Zoe is almost ten months, and Gabriel passed away shortly after birth.” And then, it happened.   She got all sad and pitiful.   That is NEVER my intention – to make someone feel badly.   It just happens.   So, of course...

I can hardly believe it, but my precious little baby is already TEN months old!   She’s so amazing.   Here’s an update on what she’s doing now! Since my last update , she’s been doing a ton of new things.   She loves to stand and has started cruising along the couch.   She now lifts her arms when she wants to be picked up, which is one of the dearest things ever.   Her face LIGHTS up when you sing Patty Cake and she now gives KISSES!!   Open-mouthed, amazing kisses.   Oh, be still my heart.   She has started to wave and can feed herself very well.  And VERY recently, she has enjoyed being on all fours and is in the beginning stages of crawling. Hope you enjoyed these pictures of our gorgeous girl!   J

Just one of the reasons I'm able to SHINE through my SORROW:

Sorry for the delay in posting.   You can usually tell that I’m having a rough time when I can’t think of the right words to say in a blog... Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day was tough.   And the worst part was, I was not expecting it to be at all!   I spent all day Saturday with dear friends at a fabulous winery.   I logged onto Facebook that night and wrote a status update that read, “ Mommas!! Tomorrow is OUR day!! Hope your day is special!! :)”   I was HAPPY.   Maybe it was the wine, but I was feeling really blessed and really grateful for my babies. But when I woke up the next morning, BAM, the sadness hit me smack in the face.   I was so sad.   My heart ached.   The pain was just as sharp as the days following Gabe’s passing.   I felt so stupid for thinking that I could have a nice Mother’s Day and not feel the giant hole that Gabe has left in my heart.   It’s a day where I’m especially reminded that I don’t have ...

Nothing’s been the same since losing Gabriel.   I’ve worried about Zoe since we found out we were pregnant.   I had miscarried a few months before then and I was so afraid of losing another baby.   All was well when we finally had the ultrasound that showed that my fluid level was fine and that she was developing normally.   Or so I thought.   Turns out I just found more things to be worried about once she was born.   It hasn’t helped that her weight and her development have, at times, been a concern for others as well.   She had to see a specialist in Rockville due to tremors, but was dismissed after two visits and I was told she was just “easily excited.”   Now she’s nine months old and still not crawling.   People ask me all the time if she’s crawling yet.   No, people.   No.   I was feeling really discouraged after her last well visit when she wasn’t doing most of the things the doctor asked me about, but, sure enou...

If you are a dear friend of mine, you’ve heard the name “Brittany” come out of my mouth.   Of all the mommas I’ve met who have been in my shoes, she’s my closest “Potter’s Momma.”   One who found me on the World Wide Web very shortly after her son received the same diagnosis.   I love her so dearly.   It’s been amazing to know someone who has been through the exact same thing as you.   Both of us have lost precious little men, experienced a miscarriage, and had gorgeous rainbow baby girls. (Rainbow Baby – the amazing blessing that comes after your horrific storm.) We do not live close to one another, but have already discussed meeting in person.   A lot.   It will happen.   We actually just figured out which city is our midway point.   Maybe we’ll be taking a long weekend at some point?? Anyway, she also started a Weebly blog to vent her thoughts and emotions while she carried to term.   I highly recommend writing to anyone ...

Got in with my neurologist and we decided on a new preventative medication, one I’ve never tried before.   She would like me to give it two months to see if it works.   PRAY this is a miracle drug, the one that finally works!!   Today is day two, and the only change I’ve noticed is that I’m quite queasy – boo!!   Hoping my body adjusts soon.   Thanks, friends.   Love, Meg