The Grieving Parent


Yesterday I had to run some errands very close to Gabe’s gravesite, so I was happy to be able to stop by.  Joel was asking a million questions about where we were going, who we were seeing, and I nonchalantly told him that we were going to visit Gabe.

We pulled into the cemetery and Joel said he wanted to get out of the Jeep with me.  I figured he knew where we were, we’ve been here a million times with him before.  But, he’s almost four now.  And I know his comprehension of things is changing every day.

The Jeep stopped, I got out and opened his door.  He looked at me, totally confused and said, “Where is he?  I don’t see him?”

I quickly tried to remind him of where we were, that this is where we laid Gabe’s body, but that his spirit was in Heaven.  Really, Meghan?  Like that makes any sense to a toddler.  I just didn’t know what else to say.

“I want to go there, Momma!  I want to be with him!”

Heart. Sinking.  “I know buddy.  Momma misses Gabe so much.  I wish he was here with us.”

Remembering what I’ve told him before, he said, “I saw him when he was born.  I was just little.  I want to be with him again.  Why don’t we just go to Heaven to be with him?”

Again, how much do you say?  I know enough that I shouldn’t try to complicate things and only answer his many questions with simple explanations.  We sat by Gabe’s gravesite and I told him that sometimes Momma talks to Gabe when I visit him here.  I tell him things like I love him and I miss him and told Joel that he could do the same.  So, he did.

Fast forward to this morning.  Zoe’s crawling around.  Everywhere.  I see that Joel is playing with his favorite little alligator.  (Funny the things kids get attached to.  It’s like the size of a dime, he got it out of a quarter machine.)  I remind Joel that he has to be careful not to let Zoe get his toy.  “It might hurt her,” I say.

“And then she will die?”

Oh my soul.  Now he’s putting together that Gabe was sick and that Gabe died and that’s why he’s no longer here with us.  It’s just crazy to me that as the years go by, he understands more and more.  I quickly comforted him and explained that he wasn’t going to make her die.

But, now I’m still sitting here with this heavy heart.  Which is why I’m writing today…

Missing you...

Comments

  1. BrittanyMay 31, 2012 at 12:32 PM

    Seriously, our souls were separated at birth. I've been thinking of Tyler so much lately. Especially how I'm going to tell Keira about him. Ugh...and just missing him...

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousJune 5, 2012 at 4:09 PM

    Oh. Love. You are amazing and answer PERFECTLY so that Joel B. will understand completely as he grows.

    ReplyDelete

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