The Grieving Parent


Yesterday I had to run some errands very close to Gabe’s gravesite, so I was happy to be able to stop by.  Joel was asking a million questions about where we were going, who we were seeing, and I nonchalantly told him that we were going to visit Gabe.

We pulled into the cemetery and Joel said he wanted to get out of the Jeep with me.  I figured he knew where we were, we’ve been here a million times with him before.  But, he’s almost four now.  And I know his comprehension of things is changing every day.

The Jeep stopped, I got out and opened his door.  He looked at me, totally confused and said, “Where is he?  I don’t see him?”

I quickly tried to remind him of where we were, that this is where we laid Gabe’s body, but that his spirit was in Heaven.  Really, Meghan?  Like that makes any sense to a toddler.  I just didn’t know what else to say.

“I want to go there, Momma!  I want to be with him!”

Heart. Sinking.  “I know buddy.  Momma misses Gabe so much.  I wish he was here with us.”

Remembering what I’ve told him before, he said, “I saw him when he was born.  I was just little.  I want to be with him again.  Why don’t we just go to Heaven to be with him?”

Again, how much do you say?  I know enough that I shouldn’t try to complicate things and only answer his many questions with simple explanations.  We sat by Gabe’s gravesite and I told him that sometimes Momma talks to Gabe when I visit him here.  I tell him things like I love him and I miss him and told Joel that he could do the same.  So, he did.

Fast forward to this morning.  Zoe’s crawling around.  Everywhere.  I see that Joel is playing with his favorite little alligator.  (Funny the things kids get attached to.  It’s like the size of a dime, he got it out of a quarter machine.)  I remind Joel that he has to be careful not to let Zoe get his toy.  “It might hurt her,” I say.

“And then she will die?”

Oh my soul.  Now he’s putting together that Gabe was sick and that Gabe died and that’s why he’s no longer here with us.  It’s just crazy to me that as the years go by, he understands more and more.  I quickly comforted him and explained that he wasn’t going to make her die.

But, now I’m still sitting here with this heavy heart.  Which is why I’m writing today…

Missing you...

Comments

  1. BrittanyMay 31, 2012 at 12:32 PM

    Seriously, our souls were separated at birth. I've been thinking of Tyler so much lately. Especially how I'm going to tell Keira about him. Ugh...and just missing him...

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousJune 5, 2012 at 4:09 PM

    Oh. Love. You are amazing and answer PERFECTLY so that Joel B. will understand completely as he grows.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Table for Six

Image
It's been almost eight years since we had our Gabriel.  Since we lost our Gabriel.  Over the past several years, one child in this family has continued to talk about him the most.  Joel, now nine years old and the only sibling to have the chance to actually meet his brother, doesn't often speak his name these days.  He is, however, very protective of his "Gabey Bear" that he sleeps with every night, and goes to find when he's sad or hurt.  I'm still not sure Ruby, who just turned four, completely understands that she has a brother who is no longer with us.  The only photos she's ever seen of him are obviously baby pictures from the day he was born, but she does usually ask if every random picture she sees of a baby, is our Gabriel.  But our Zoe, almost six, talks about him all the time.  She points out that there is a seat in the back row of our family car, between she and Joel.  "That's where Gabe sits."  And when she asked about th...
Read more

Meeting Angie Smith

Image
Almost a month ago now, I had the amazing opportunity to meet Angie Smith! She is married to the lead singer of the Christian band, Selah, and the story of their daughter Audrey is heard through their song " I Will Carry You." (Click here to listen that song, and see amazing photographs from her family.)  I haven't seen it yet, but I just read that the Duggars found so much comfort through those lyrics, that they used them in the episode about losing their sweet daughter, Jubilee. Along with being a mom of, now, FIVE girls, Angie is also amazingly funny - both in person and on her blog, Bring the Rain . She's an author of two books , and although she's very frightened by it, is an amazing public speaker! She's so real, so hysterical, so lovely. I had the great privilege of hearing her speak at the One Day Women of Faith Event in Baltimore, MD... and that's where it happened... I met her! Like, in person! And, got to speak to her! Can't wait to te...
Read more

The Bump Will Now Be Known As...

Image
Ruby Mae So, yeah, we found out the gender.  Surprise!!  I wasn't lying; I honestly had no intentions of finding out.  That is, until, we scheduled the anatomy scan.  And then the curiosity got the best of me. I cannot even express in adequate words how blessed I'm feeling right now.  All weekend, I was literally convinced this baby was not okay.  Yet now, here I am, beaming with the knowledge that all is well.  Our ultrasound tech clearly knew our history, as the first two things she pointed out to us were the giant amount of fluid surrounding baby, and both of baby's kidneys.  Insert huge sigh of relief.   Our little girl was modest, with both her lower parts and her precious face.  But, we did get confirmation that this is another little girl.  Seriously, how blessed am I?!  Two boys, two girls... As I sat in awe that not only was baby completely healthy, but that we are having a little girl - it hit me....
Read more