Mother's Day

Sorry for the delay in posting.  You can usually tell that I’m having a rough time when I can’t think of the right words to say in a blog...

Mother’s Day.

Mother’s Day was tough.  And the worst part was, I was not expecting it to be at all!  I spent all day Saturday with dear friends at a fabulous winery.  I logged onto Facebook that night and wrote a status update that read, “Mommas!! Tomorrow is OUR day!! Hope your day is special!! :)”  I was HAPPY.  Maybe it was the wine, but I was feeling really blessed and really grateful for my babies.

But when I woke up the next morning, BAM, the sadness hit me smack in the face.  I was so sad.  My heart ached.  The pain was just as sharp as the days following Gabe’s passing.  I felt so stupid for thinking that I could have a nice Mother’s Day and not feel the giant hole that Gabe has left in my heart.  It’s a day where I’m especially reminded that I don’t have all my children with me. 

Am I grateful for my amazing firstborn and my gorgeous little girl?  You better believe it!  And on most days I can “be glad and rejoice” in their presence.  But, because it was Mother’s Day, all I could seem to reflect on were the three special days that I became a Momma.  I thought about each child’s birthday, the day they entered this world.  Then I thought about how I had to leave the hospital empty-handed after having Gabe.  I remember sitting in the wheelchair in the lobby of the hospital, waiting for Kyle to bring the Jeep around front to pick me up.  I was praying, begging that no other Mommas would be leaving at the same time as me.  Cause nothing is as amazing as being a brand new mom, holding her tiny newborn, waiting to bring them home.  And all the people who come in the hospital ooh and aww over your precious bundle of joy. 

I remember keeping my head down, hoping no one would know that I was leaving without my baby.  Trying to sit in that wheelchair looking like I had just recovered from some non-emotional surgery.  It was really, really hard.

Back to the present…  So, I had invited my family to come over for a Mother’s Day luncheon.  And I tried really hard to make the table pretty, and the food girly.  But, I just couldn’t shake my emotions.  Again, I felt so stupid for thinking I could entertain people while dealing with my deep sadness. 

The day went fine.  The sangria was good.  The grandmas loved being with their kids and their grandkids on this special day.  And, in the end, that’s what I was trying to provide, and it was a success. 

I guess I felt compelled to write this post because it’s been almost three years since we lost Gabe, and I still have tough days.  I know there are mommas who read this blog whose losses are very recent.  So to you mommas: It does get better, and time does help, but you will still have bad days.  And, like I told some of you the night before, don’t forget: “I am feeling very convicted to remind you ALL that you are ALL mothers. Tomorrow is a very important day - please feel honored that God graced you with a baby. Maybe for a moment, maybe for nine months, maybe for a few hours - but we are ALL mothers. Love you!!”