Tuesday, June 28, 2016

The Unexplainable

I think you only really "get this" if you've lost a significant loved one yourself, but I'll try to explain.  And I can really only speak for myself, but I have a feeling I'm speaking for many of us...  You don't always miss your baby (or spouse, or parent, or best friend) on the days you are "supposed" to miss them.  In fact, sometimes the days leading up to a certain triggering date is worse than the significant day itself.  And sometimes your body feels the sadness before your head can catch up.

This has happened to me a lot over the years since we lost our Gabriel.  But there's a specific time it happens that still both surprises and confuses me, so I've never talked about it before.  But, it kind of "proves" that us grieving parents don't "choose" our sadness.  It's not something we talk about to get attention from loved ones, or to gain sympathy from strangers.  Sometimes, it's like our soul recognizes the loss whether we want it to or not.

This weekend our family celebrated our daughter's third birthday.  She's our fourth child, our second Rainbow Baby.  The day was perfect, everything going according to plan.  I woke up at 6am and started cleaning our home, decorating the dining room, and preparing the food. The party was full of feel-good emotions, like joy and gratitude and love.

By the time everyone left, and everything was put back in its place, I was exhausted.  I napped on the couch as Kyle and all four kids relaxed and played, watching a movie.  When my hubby sweetly started to wake me up, I was still in that daydream state - unsure of what time it was, why I was asleep, if I was still dreaming.  For the next ten to twenty minutes, I was physically awake with this very specific feeling like I was waiting for someone.  Like we'd been waiting all day for this someone.  Every few moments, I would feel this intense anticipation for them to arrive.  This is so hard to explain with words, but I felt like it was someone I loved so very much.  Someone who was just so obviously missing.  Then I would look up at Kyle, the love of my life, and sit there in my confusion.  Unsure of who else my heart was longing for.  If Kyle was right here with me, who was I waiting for?  In those moments, I honestly couldn't figure out who in the world my mind was expecting to join us.

Four Fifths of my Heart

It wasn't until the next day that it hit me like a smack in the face.  Meghan, it was your Gabriel.  It was your son who felt missing.  Yesterday had been a wonderful, special day with family.  And somewhere deep inside, you knew he should be there.  And maybe that "feeling" was that he was there.  Maybe napping by my side, visiting me in my dreams.  Maybe dropping by to see just how big his older brother has become.  And to sit with his three baby sisters, watching over them with a protective hand.

Maybe I'm just a grieving momma missing her baby boy with every fiber of her being.

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