All in a Day's Memory

Dear Self:  Let's sit down and write out every detail we can recall from the epic amazingness that was yesterday.  These are memories we don't want to soon forget...

We must rewind five years, to August 21st  in 2009, the day I lost my precious Gabriel.  Just three days later, 700 miles away, another momma carrying a little baby boy was receiving the same fatal diagnosis - Bilateral Renal Agensis. Also known as Potter's Syndrome, our handsome little men had been growing without both kidneys, a condition they could not survive once born.  This momma found my blog online and read my very recently published birth story, found here. 

A few short months later, on November 26th, Brittany had her precious baby - Tyler Andrew.  Just like Gabe, he too was born alive and they had a few cherished hours with him before he passed away into the arms of Jesus.  A gift she credits to the very decision we made for our own son, her words, "She was the turning point in our decision to carry Tyler to term and experience the beauty of that time with him... the woman whose story of sacrifice, love and faith moved me to tears and, literally, changed my life."

For years, we had talked about meeting "one day."  We weren't sure how or when, but we were going to make it happen.  Then, miraculously to me, her family moved from Illinois to Virginia and suddenly it all became very possible.

Yesterday, it finally happened.  I had the privilege of seeing her face to face.  We hugged and jumped up and down and screamed and hugged some more.  We may have made a small scene.  We stared and studied each others faces.  "Take off your sunglasses!" she demanded.  She wanted to see me.  We both shared how long it took us to get ready, that we spent way too much time, and way too much makeup preparing for this meeting. 

We were originally supposed to meet each other last Wednesday, on Tyler's 5th Heavenly Birthday - or Angelversary, as I like to call it.  We had plans to go to this awesome Children's Discovery Museum, but then we got six inches of snow and we had to reschedule.  At the last minute I doubled checked their hours of operation and found out they weren't even open on Mondays, so I had to figure out a plan B.  I decided to ask a friend who actually grew up at our halfway point, each of us having to drive two hours.  She suggested this amazing playground, called A Dream Come True, and it did not disappoint.  It was absolutely the most awesome free place we could've ended up. The weather was perfect, 65 and breezy. 

I had prepared my kids for what to expect and excitedly told my Zoe that momma's friend Brittany had two little girls to play with her!  At least four times Zoe said, "And she also has a little boy!" 

Our kids immediately said shy hellos, ran towards the play equipment, bonded quickly, and then played well together for the next four hours. It was nothing short of amazing.  We took a break to eat lunch, and that's when things got emotional. I gave her a necklace I had made for her and she was so sweetly moved to tears.  And basically once we started, neither one of us could stop.  I brought my scrapbook of all my most loved Gabe pictures, and asked her to do the same.  I wanted to see pictures of her Tyler in person.  We took turns looking at the photos and agreed that it was crazy to see so many identical shots, similar features, and the exact same little airplane scrapbook paper and "thank Heaven for little boys" stickers.  Our reactions were identical- it was so profoundly sad to realize how exact our stories really are.  We each knew the intense heartache and were so filled with sorrow to think that the other had to endure the same pain.

For me, the most heartfelt part of the day was when I told her about my latest grief trigger.  I had recently come across something that, while innocent in nature, was a total shock to my system, a smack in the face.  I was pretty distraught afterwards for a good 24 hours, a sadness so sharp and profound that I hadn't gone through in years.  I told her every detail of this occurrence and she just looked at me knowingly and said, "That's what happens when you try to move on." It was such an ah-ha moment for me.  In this circumstance, I had tried to do the right thing, extend forgiveness and attempt to move on, and there's just no getting past it.  Ever.  Just tonight I came across this quote from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the psychiatrist responsible for the famous Five Stages of Grief, 

"The reality is that you will grieve forever.  You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one, you will learn to live with it.  You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered.  You will be whole again but you will never be the same again.  Nor should you be the same, nor should you want to."

That was just the reminder I so desperately needed.  Thank you so much for that gift, friend!  Until next time!  (Because there will most definitely be a "next time.")  All my love, Meg