Capture Your Grief

Every year during the month of October, artist Carly Marie challenges all Infant Loss parents to participate in Project Heal.  For every day of the month, she comes up with a subject of discussion for you to explore through photography and writing.

Even though Gabriel has been gone over five years, for the first time, I felt really compelled to participate in this challenge.  Not all of the subjects spoke to me, but for the ones I shared online (either on my personal Instagram account or on Facebook), I wanted to gather them to present in one place.

Day 1: SUNRISE.  My view down the driveway as Joel and I walk to the bus stop.  Today I will take in the scent of Fall and the beautiful views and remember those no longer with us.

Day 2: HEART.  This is my most loved, and therefore most shared picture of Gabriel.  Our love for him had been growing for months, but when he was born, his precious face immediately captured our hearts.  He had momma's nose and daddy's lips.  This is the face I carry in my heart...

Day 3: BEFORE.  This picture was taken the summer of 2008.  I was a mom of one, who thought I had the right to say how many children I wanted.  Like it was ultimately up to me. Sometimes I miss the person I was, before my loss, before my world was shattered.  The Meghan before postpartum depression and anxiety.  The Meghan before funeral planning. The Meghan before the worst heartache I hope to ever have to endure.

Day 4: NOW.  I've gone through the storm, and I've made it out alive.  Not only that, but every important aspect of my life is stronger - the amazing hope I have in Christ, the stronger love within my marriage, and the greater appreciation I have for the children God has given me to care for on Earth before we're all together again in Heaven.

Day 5: JOURNAL.  I started blogging over six years ago, the night we got Gabriel's fatal diagnosis.  Writing became my therapeutic outlet.  My way to vent my thoughts and feelings, which was sometimes the only way for me to make connections and face conclusions about my grieving process.  You can click on the tab above that says Gabriel's Story, which will lead you to my original blog.  Years of raw emotions, gallons of tears - all for your reading enjoyment, ha.

Day 6: BOOK.  Out of all the things I read, there is one that saved my life. Angie Smith poured out her heart and shared her precious  Audrey with the world. It was tremendously healing to read the words of someone who had been EXACTLY where I was.  A few years ago, I had the incredible privilege of meeting Angie face to face.  I'm sure I seemed like a crazy fangirl, but she was so kind (and so beautiful) and we talked about how we got a prenatal fatal diagnosis, how they both lived for two hours, and she gasped at how similar my Gabriel looked like her Audrey.

Day 7: SACRED PLACE.  This picture was taken a few months after Gabriel was buried.  His first Fall.  I miss those days when I could still see exactly where he laid underground, as the grass had not yet started to grow.   His Resting Place is my Sacred Place.  Every time I visit him, the world grows quiet as I enter holy ground.

Day 8: RESOURCE.  I started attending the Infant Loss support group Labor of Love - Hagerstown, MD while I was still pregnant with Gabriel.  This group of grieving parents welcomed Kyle and I with open arms, allowed us to share our story, and cried right alongside of us.  When the world doesn't understand our heartache, the people in this group always step up to offer comfort.  Forever grateful.

Day 9: IN MEMORY.  There are a lot of things I posses to keep my son's memory alive - numerous angel winged necklaces, infant loss shirts, even a sweet tattoo.  But none of those things hold an eternal value like The Gabriel Fund, which was created in his name right after he died.  All the money dedicated to his memory helps Washington County Young Life teens get to camp each summer to learn about the amazing news of Jesus Christ.

Day 10: SUPPORT.  I thought this picture of some of my dearest friends at a Wine Fest was most appropriate for today.  A nod of gratitude to both FRIENDS and WINE.  I'm crazy blessed with people who surround me with love and understanding.  Who stand by me as I cry, or have a moment of anger or despair.  Their love is unconditional, and I'm forever grateful.

Day 11: ALTER.  After his death, I made a conscience decision not to make a literal alter for my son.   Instead I've chosen to have things all around our home that remind us of Gabriel.  When I'm in the kitchen making dinner, I can hear my children playing so I also want to remember him.  When we're watching a movie in the living room, I'm cuddling my children so it's nice to look over at the sweet angel on our bookcase.  Everything serves a purpose, a way to remind us all of a very real member of this family.

Day 12: SONG.  "I Will Carry You," by Selah.  Lead singer married to the author I spoke about above, Angie Smith.  The first time I heard this song, the lyrics were incredibly healing and somehow continue to be, each and every time I hear it.  "There were photographs I wanted to take, things I wanted to show you.  Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes.  People say that I'm brave but I'm not.  Truth is I'm barely hanging on. I will carry you while your heart beats here. Long beyond the empty cradle, through the coming years.  I will carry you all my life.  And I will praise the one who's chosen me to carry you."  I mean, COME ON.

Day 14: DARK/LIGHT.  Today's challenge is to reflect on the two-sided nature of grief.  This photo from Gabriel's funeral perfectly defines bittersweet.  Beautiful flowers surrounding the horrific sight of an infant-sized casket.  This grief journey has caused me immeasurable pain, but also taught me endless lessons.

Day 15:  October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  Light a candle at 7pm to join the worldwide Wave of Light.

Day 16: RETREAT.  It's the day after the world comes together to acknowledge Infant Loss.  I'm grateful.  And I'm exhausted.  I know I need to be better about self-care, and that's what today is about.  There are so many things I can't control or change, but there are things within my power that can turn my focus from me and my circumstances back to God.  I will start my day with Him.  I will take in His creation.  I will focus on Him until "it is well with my soul."

Day 18: GRATITUDE.  I can talk for hours about everything here and now that I'm grateful for.  But I feel it's important to remember all the things I'm grateful for on that sweet day I met my Gabriel.   He was born alive and lived for two hours before passing on.  We were blessed with amazing moments of studying his face and hearing his cries.  He opened his beautiful eyes while he was held by his Uncle Brandon.  He got to hear all about Heaven in the arms of his great grandmother.  That day wasn't just filled with sadness, it was also full of gratitude and love.

Day 20:  BREATHE.  Walk outside.  Take it all in.  Look at your surroundings and breathe.  Thank you God for this day. Thank you for Fall, and leaves, and sunshine, and sweet hubbies who work hard to make a house your home.  Today I will breathe.

Day 21: RELATIONSHIP.  We were warned, Infant Loss will either make you or break you. Grief is ugly and horrible, but going through immense heartache right alongside your best friend can make you even closer, your love even stronger. I've come to realize that everyone is going to face something awful.  I'm just thankful that through all our mourning, we're more in love than ever.

Day 22: SELF CARE.  Yesterday I sipped wine while I got a pedicure.  Wait, no I didn't.  I organized.  My happy place is moving furniture, something I've done since I was a little girl.  I thrive on making every space in my home as functional and pretty as possible.  This bookcase was in the basement.  I decided it needed to be in the playroom, and that it just couldn't wait until Kyle came home.  The hours of cleaning and organizing that followed made my heart really happy.

Day 23: INSPIRATION.  I remember after receiving Gabriel's fatal diagnosis, I would lie in bed waiting to feel his movements inside me before I could stand to my feet.  It was that same bed I never wanted to leave for months after he passed away.  Hands down, my number one motivation during those dark days was this little man.  I never started my day until I heard his happy babbles from his room.  For years, his sweet voice was my alarm clock.  Thank you, Joel Benjamin, for inspiring me to wake up.  To keep going.  To put a smile on my face, even when I didn't feel like it.

Day 27:  EXPRESS. This is a very personal video of my sweet Gabriel before he passed away. Today's "Capture Your Grief" challenge is all about one thing you'd want to express to the world. He is it. He was a person, not just some sad event that happened to me. He is my son, always will be. 

 I have FOUR CHILDREN. He counts. He's included.

Day 28: WISDOM.  Life after loss is tough.  Sure, the pain eventually feels less sharp, but the tremendous loss of my son affects every aspect of my life, including parenting my three living children.  Just remember we're all going through something.  We're all battling our own demons.  Let's try to love more and judge less.

I must say, this challenge was way more difficult than I thought it would be.  It forced me to think about Gabriel and the details surrounding his short life and his heartbreaking death.  Thoughts and emotions I hadn't sat down and reflected on in a long time.

Because Infant Loss is something that you never get over, it's a life event that stays with you forever.  It's so hard to explain, but it's kind of like I think of him never and always.  Each day is full of activity, habits and routines.  There isn't a specific moment each day I commit to lighting a candle and remembering his little life.  There are just moments it really hits me, usually when Joel says something so sweet it makes me cry.  Or when Daddy is wrestling with all the kids at once, and I wonder where he'd be in this scenario.  Or when we're preparing to take family photos and all of a sudden it hits me like a ton of bricks - someone is missing.

So to carve out time, every single day for 31 days, to stop what I was doing and think about him - it was really hard.  Fortunately, the month-long event brought healing to this important part of my life.  I would even go so far as to say it brought some closure.  The more I explore my own thoughts and perceptions, I gain more understanding.  I'm able to let go of anger and hurt, expectations and assumptions.  So, if you're an Infant Loss Parent and you're thinking about doing this challenge next year - Get your wine stocked.  It will be worth it.