Visiting Brother

August is hard.  It feels dark and heavy in my soul.  Every year, this month quickly approaches and suddenly I'm whisked back in time, remembering what it was like to have to bury my newborn son.  Suddenly I can vividly recall that tight feeling in my chest, the ability to cry at most everything, and the deep sorrow that feels like a physical wound in my heart.  I find myself really taking the time to study his sweet face, even though his pictures surround me all year long.  What a sweet little face.  Momma's missing you so much, Gabriel!

You all know I'm trying desperately to find joy in all things, and with God's help, have been doing really well.  The other day I had a wonderful conversation with my oldest and wanted to share it with you...

Because there are so many summer birthdays in our family, Joel was pondering which birthday was coming up next.  Completely on his own, he remembered Gabe's birthday was approaching.  With tears in my eyes I asked him if he wanted to go shopping with me, to pick out something special for his brother (just as we had done for both his sisters recently).  He looked at me with confusion, so I explained that we'd leave it at his grave site for him.  Still perplexed he said, "But Momma, he won't be able to get it."  Then I watched his face light up as he come to his own realization, "But he'll be able to see it!" he shouted.  Yes sweet boy, yes he will.

This past week, on a whim, I decided to drive the kids to visit their brother.  Sadly, we don't do this very often because the graveyard is not very close to our home.  And honestly, that's probably a good thing, as the distance helps me remember that he's not really there, but that it's just a place to memorialize his short life.

As we entered the cemetery, Joel realized where I was taking them and shouted "Gabe's gravesite!" which is a sad change from what he's always referred to it as (and we've never corrected him because it was so cute), "Gabe's website."  I planned on just hopping out myself to take a moment to clean off his stone, arrange his little items, and talk to my son.  Joel immediately took off his seat belt and was so excited to hop out, so we all got out!  I asked Zoe to find her brother and she walked right up to his little plot, pointing to his flag.  She looked up at me and said, "Momma, I wanna go to he's house!"  (Not a typo, that's how she talks, ha.)

Without missing a beat, Joel took the reins and explained to his little sister where exactly their brother was.  That he was in Heaven, that he was with Jesus, and that we'd all be together soon.  It was truly a precious moment.  As we walked back to the car, Zoe asked me where all the balloons were.  Oh my heart, I don't know how, but somehow this toddler remembered that we always do a balloon release when we visit Gabe to celebrate his Heavenly Birthday every year.

This little encounter reminded me of one more profound blessing that wouldn't be possible without Gabriel's death.  These priceless conversations about Heaven and Jesus, are naturally weaved into the interactions we have as a family.  His short life has once again pointed to Christ and the eternal life we will have with him someday.  Lord, I'm grateful for the small amount of time we were able to have with Gabriel, as I fully understand that all children are given on loan to us...