My Conflict Within

Gabe has been gone a long time now.  I've come so far in my grief, worked through my anger, forgiven those who don't understand...  Yet, there is still that struggle of figuring out when to remember his memory.

As his Momma, he is on my mind and in my heart always.  And it's taken time, but I do understand now that it's just not that way with everyone who knew him.  So, when is it "appropriate" to say his name, tell his story, share his short life?  I'm not always sure.

When I have another baby, I will consider it my forth.  But, I do not sign Gabriel's name to a birthday card for a loved one.  Because he is no longer with us, and that is a cold statement that I feel to my core. 

When a stranger asks how many children I have, I always say three.  But, just like the strangers who only see the two children who are physically with me, so do people who knew about the nine months I carried Gabe and the bittersweet day I met him.  And that is what makes this all so difficult...


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