That's What She Said

Today would have been Gabriel's third birthday. My "Gabey Baby" is now more of a Gabey Toddler. And, not surprisingly, the weather mirrored my mood all day. I woke up to fog, clouds and rain. But by this evening, it was warm and sunny. Tonight's angelversary was simply amazing. I left feeling completely uplifted, blessed, and loved. So, if you were there - Thank You. If you were not, here's the speech I read this evening...

"Welcome everyone! Kyle and I just wanted to say a few words. I'm realizing that I'm more of a writer than a speaker, so you will all be read to. So many people don't understand why I'm celebrating what would be my son's third birthday or why I'm just not over this sad thing that happened in my life. And I really want to explain why I will NEVER forget him, but the ironic thing is that if you're HERE- you get it. You understand that Gabriel is a permanent member of my family, even if his spot is empty. You understand that I am reminded of my son DAILY, whether it be a rainbow in the sky, seeing his precious face in a picture on my wall, or seeing the interaction between the two children I am blessed to have with me. You understand that he will never be replaced, because we look forward to the day when we will be reunited again.

In some ways the grief has lifted so much. Time does NOT actually heal all wounds, but it does make the pain less sharp. But then there are things that happen that force us to contemplate just how different our family would be if our Gabriel were here with us. The older Zoe gets, the more she and Joel interact with each other and it makes us realize that Joel had the ability to be a big brother three years ago. His sensitive, sweet nature makes it easy for him to give kisses, tickle toes, and do whatever it takes to get smiles from his little sister. It just feels like he should have his own built-in best friend, a brother only 15 months younger than him. Someone to grow up with, and get into trouble with.

The truth is, Gabriel's presence in my family would've changed everything. But, maybe I wouldn't talk about Jesus and Heaven as much as I do. Maybe I would be a mom annoyed by her kids, instead of one thankful for every living breath that they take. Maybe I wouldn't be relying so much on my Savior to SAVE me. And, I don't think I would fully appreciate JOY without having gone through significant pain. So I don't question WHY he was taken from me so soon, but the pain still remains and I still mourn his loss. I hope that my words tonight give you even more perspective on why we do this, and I thank each and every one of you for being here tonight to support US and celebrate HIM."