It's Been a Minute

You guys. It's been over a YEAR since I've published anything on this site.  I can't believe it's been so long since I've made a blog post.  Recently I went searching for what I said at Gabe's last Angelversary.  After searching all my social media accounts, and this blog, I couldn't find anything.

If my memory is correct, we had a very small gathering last year.  I do see photos of me with my besties.  And I definitely remember the gorgeous floral arrangement left by a sweet friend.  It looked sunny. We were smiling.  But I remember I felt horrible inside.  That I didn't make any "reminder" posts on social media, because I didn't want to "bug" anyone about remembering my Gabriel.  So, in order to not make that mistake again, I present to you:  What was said at Gabriel's Ninth Angelversary.

We arrived a few minutes early to see a tent and table set up, and sweet friends already gathered.  The clouds had grown darker and darker, so I hurried to set up a few of my most precious items on the table, and to add some new items to Gabe's gravesite. Kyle went around like the gentleman that he is and talked to friends and family.  I was on this unassigned mission to make everything perfect.  I know that it's because when it comes to Gabe, there's so much I CAN'T do.  So when I am given the opportunity, just one day out of the year, I want it to be as nice as possible.  My dear Trish was the first friend to walk over to me, make me stop, and just give me a hug.

Listen, some years are just harder than others.  I remember year five being extra awful, because I was thinking about my boy starting school.  And for whatever reason, this year, was HEART. WRENCHING.  Kyle and I had been very tearful the entire week leading up to the 21st.  We talked about cancelling, not wanting to be "on" for anyone.  Lying to family and saying, "don't bother," knowing full well we'd be making the trip to go visit him.

Kyle decided he wanted to speak up and share a few words this year.  He first shared the story of David's child from 2 Samuel, who became sick.  After fasting all week, David learned that his child had passed away.  Instead of mourning, he stood up, washed himself and changed his clothing, walking into the Lord's house to worship him.  To worship him!  "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept... But now he is dead...  I shall go to him, but he will not return to me."

He also shared the same story that was shared at Gabriel's funeral by a dear friend - Jesus healing a blind man.  Found in the book of John, when Jesus' disciples see the man, they ask Jesus, "who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"  But Jesus sets them all straight and replies, "It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be dsiplayed in him."  Wow.

And I, without a filter, then declared that I had no Bible stories to share.  No Jesus references.  The only thing I really wanted to share were the pure and profound words spoken by our son, Joel.  Because our two oldest are ten and seven now, I decided to sit them down and ask them if they even wanted to show up right here in this cemetery to honor their brother, or whether there was something else they'd rather do for his birthday instead.  Confused, they wanted to know what else I had in mind.  I clarified that I wasn't proposing a trip to Hershey Park INSTEAD of releasing balloons at his gravesite, but that we didn't need to keep doing this year after year if they'd rather not.

That's when Joel looked at me and said, "It's just so hard, because I NEVER want to forget him.  But I also don't want to be super sad."  I said, "That is EXACTLY how your dad and I feel."  He gets it.  At ten.

After putting on my best Happy Face, we all sang him Happy Birthday, and we let Ruby blow out the candle.  The kids started in on the cupcakes and I asked who would like a marker.  Literally just seconds later, Laura and I felt the first HEAVY drops.  You guys.  It didn't start sprinkling before it started raining.  It just started pouring on our party, with very little notice.

We all huddled closer together under the only tent standing, and soon Kyle was running to our vehicle to put up the tent we brought.  Ruby starting crying, terrified of the storm, and went under the smaller tent to stand with Kyle and his parents.  I stood with an umbrella, half under the tent, using my body to shield the photo albums and books sitting on the table.  I picked up my mother-in-law's expensive camera, but had no where to place it.  I need you to understand that in that moment, I felt like the world was crashing around me.  Like, it could not have gotten any worse.  You can see the disgusted bewilderment on my face.

Joel started crying when the markers wouldn't work on the wet balloons.  Thankfully there were sweet friends close enough to him to tell him to just pray to Jesus, and that He would get his message to his baby brother.  We stood there for what seemed like forever.  I just felt badly for getting all these people outside of their safe, dry homes and outside to join me in my grief.  I just felt bad.  When my bestie looked at me and said they were gonna make a run for it, I told her to just let the balloons go.  To my surprise, it was raining so hard that they didn't go anywhere.  Full of helium, they hovered on top of the wet grass, the rain so heavy they literally couldn't float away.

Kyle and I drove home, our silence broken only when we were pointing out the rivers and lakes that had formed all over the area from the torrential downpour. I just kept thinking that I would NEVER have asked all those people to show up for us had I known that the storm was going to be so bad.  But then all these sweet messages came flooding in...

My darling sister, Ashleigh, said, "It's never rained like that before!  I think it was so sweet that so many people showed up regardless.  All of us huddled there together.  It was a moment I won't soon forget."  Wow, really?

Our friend, Anthony, came this year for the first time with his daughter.  He texted me later that night, "I wanted to let you know how special the night truly was.  So many friends and loved ones were there to show their support and I could feel the love all around us.  It was beautiful.  Harper couldn't wrap her head around it but she cried for him on the way home, which made me cry, in turn."  Are you kidding me?! So so so sweet.

My profound sadness lingered the entire next day.  I still felt stuck inside a fog.  I just kept texting my friends, "I hate everything."  I didn't have ANY other words for how badly I was feeling.  Then two days later, I woke up feeling lighter.  I was telling my friend Branda how absolutely beautiful all those comments were to me, but that I couldn't SEE it that night.  That I really couldn't absorb them and allow myself to be comforted by them, until that day.  Two days later.  Sitting with my dear friend.

To my surprise she calmly said, "Of course you couldn't.  You can never SEE when you're in the midst of the storm.  It's only others who can see things for the way they are."  And she's so right.  When the rain is literally soaking your back, and the waters are rising above your TOES, the beauty surrounding you is too dim.  I couldn't even lift my head to truly see the beauty around me.  But it was there.  The whole time.