An Entry on Triggers

Sometimes I convince myself it's not necessary to continue blogging.  That there is no value in taking the time to write out my thoughts and emotions.  Then I remember how healing it is, even for me, to look back on my words since losing our son almost six years ago.

So here I am.  Writing again.  I know it's still hard for some people to understand that the loss of my son continues to be profound.  It's so hard to explain.  The sting of the pain is not as sharp, thank God, but the emptiness of where his life should be is ever present.  In this family.  In this home.  In my heart.

A few weeks ago, my Rainbow Baby had fallen asleep next to me on the couch.  She'll be turning four soon and was refusing a nap, a daily occurrence, and I'd somehow convinced her to just wait for momma's tv show to be over and then it would be her turn.  She fell asleep waiting for me and napped for hours.  It was the most beautiful gift to be able to stare at her while she slept peacefully.  I studied her face, her gorgeous face.  Brushed her hair out of the way and just looked at her beautiful eyelids, sweet button nose, and full lips.  And then, without notice, I thought of Gabe.  He would be turning six this August.  What would his precious face look like now?  How can I ever figure out what his sweet face would look like now?  How having him around would make everything different.

The second trigger recently happened while I was browsing Pinterest.  They have this new feature now - "picked for you" based on things you've pinned in the past.  Well, what do ya know, this emotionless website is always suggesting grief pins for me to add to my Gabriel Board.  Thanks, Pinterest.  This one stopped me in my tracks, because as simple as it was, it captured exactly how I feel:

Then there was the song shared on Facebook by another Infant Loss Momma.  I saw that it was from Ed Sheeron and honestly didn't think it would  leave me in tears, oh, but I was a puddle.  Not to mention the video is beyond adorable, see below.  If you didn't love Ed before, prepare to fall hard.  Here are some lyrics: 

"Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes.  But it's the only thing I know...  We keep this love in a photograph.  We made these memories for ourselves, where our eyes are never closing, hearts are never broken.  Time's forever frozen still.  So you can keep me inside the pocket of your ripped jeans, holding me closer til our eyes meet.  You won't ever be alone, wait for me to come home.  Loving can heal, loving can mend your soul, and it's the only thing that I know.  I swear it will get easier.  Remember that with every piece of you, it's the only thing we take with us when we die...  Oh you can fit me inside the necklace you got when you were sixteen, next to your heartbeat, where I should be.  Keep it deep within your soul...  Wait for me to come home."

And as much as I hate to say it, the final recent trigger was my son Joel's birthday.  I wasn't expecting this one.  I guess his birthday reminded me that it was the start of all the summer birthdays, since all four of my babies were born in these warm months.  He's one more year older.  A whole year of memories and adventures.  I am so crazy grateful that the Lord has entrusted me to take care of my three living children, and I so often wonder if I would love them as deeply and madly if I hadn't lost Gabe.  If I didn't know what it was like to hold a precious baby as they die in your arms.

Clearly, the loss of my Gabriel is very still profound.  Yes it's been a long time, and time does go on.  But even in the busyness of everyday life, these little triggers bring me to tears as I remember his sweet face and recall the short time I had with him.  I miss him so much and I know that my heart will be missing him until it stops beating.  I'll close with my favorite photograph of my special little boy: