Seeing Gabriel

I have known for weeks now that this blog needed to be written.  But, it's hard to sit here and type it out for many reasons.  First, there are three kids now.  Wowsers.  Life is crazy different with three.  Second, we just moved and it seems every spare moment I have should be devoted to cleaning, organizing, arranging.  And third, writing is very therapeutic for me, and I have been avoiding these feelings.  Still, I know I have to get it out, so here goes.

While pregnant with Ruby, it occurred to me that I could birth another baby that looked like Gabriel.  I thought about how bittersweet that would be, realizing even before seeing her sweet face that it would be both amazing and painful.  And as soon as Ruby was born, we started hearing that she looked just like Gabe.  Someone even lovingly looked at me in the hospital and said, "You finally got your Gabriel!"  Um, no.  Some pointed out her chin, others her nose, and some said it was the eyes.  Whatever it was, there was a general consensus - she reminded us all of our sweet angel.

One day, when she was only a few days old, I walked downstairs to check on my sleeping baby girl before getting in the shower, and realized her face was literally identical to the giant photograph of Gabe a few feet away, hanging on the wall in the same room.  It was a very intense moment.

Sweet Gabey Baby

Even more intense was a moment that occurred when I was allowing myself to fall asleep in bed with her in my arms.  She was less than a week old, and was waking every time I laid her down.  Against my better judgement, I held her so we could both get some sleep.  As many mommas know, this isn't good deep sleep, it's more like survival sleep.  Just long enough to rest your eyes in order to tackle the next day.  Every so often I would open my eyes to find her sleeping peacefully.  At one point in the middle of the night, I opened my eyes to see Gabriel's face.  It was HIS face.  In my arms.  And the scariest part was that it was the dying image of my son.  I shot straight up in bed and touched her face to make sure it wasn't cold and blue, like the image in my head.  She was completely fine, but for a moment I thought I was dealing with a second baby gone way too soon.  Needless to say, she slept in the bassinet from that moment on.

My Gorgeous Girl - Copyright Kelly Brewer Photography

A few days later, I realized that I had comfort in knowing that she wouldn't always remind me of Gabriel - because I only knew what Gabriel looked like during the two hours he was alive, and the few hours after his spirit was gone but I was still holding his tiny body.  As harsh as that sounds, I was glad to know this "deja vu" wouldn't last.  Right?  There was no way I would still look at Ruby and think she looked like Gabriel once she was out of the newborn stage.  Right?!

Sweet Smile at 6 Weeks

But the more pictures I took of Ruby, the more "familiar" she started to look to me.  It's very difficult to describe, but seeing her face, her smile, her features - it was like I already knew that baby.  It was while I was trying to explain this to a friend that I realized how to put it into words - It was as if my SOUL was recognizing her.  It's as if somewhere inside myself, I know that her little face is the spitting image of her brother.

Familiar Face at Two Months

I'm sorry if that sounds weird, or crazy.  I'm feeling both these days.  But, I'm writing this so I remember these feelings.  And I'm writing this for every other infant loss Momma out there, who can relate to my reality.  I'm not sure whether this familiar-faced-phase will last, but I will attempt to take comfort in knowing that it is nothing but a pure blessing that I'm able to see my Gabriel in any of my children. If nothing else, it is a reminder that they are all only on loan to me...