Seeing Gabriel

I have known for weeks now that this blog needed to be written.  But, it's hard to sit here and type it out for many reasons.  First, there are three kids now.  Wowsers.  Life is crazy different with three.  Second, we just moved and it seems every spare moment I have should be devoted to cleaning, organizing, arranging.  And third, writing is very therapeutic for me, and I have been avoiding these feelings.  Still, I know I have to get it out, so here goes.

While pregnant with Ruby, it occurred to me that I could birth another baby that looked like Gabriel.  I thought about how bittersweet that would be, realizing even before seeing her sweet face that it would be both amazing and painful.  And as soon as Ruby was born, we started hearing that she looked just like Gabe.  Someone even lovingly looked at me in the hospital and said, "You finally got your Gabriel!"  Um, no.  Some pointed out her chin, others her nose, and some said it was the eyes.  Whatever it was, there was a general consensus - she reminded us all of our sweet angel.

One day, when she was only a few days old, I walked downstairs to check on my sleeping baby girl before getting in the shower, and realized her face was literally identical to the giant photograph of Gabe a few feet away, hanging on the wall in the same room.  It was a very intense moment.

Sweet Gabey Baby

Even more intense was a moment that occurred when I was allowing myself to fall asleep in bed with her in my arms.  She was less than a week old, and was waking every time I laid her down.  Against my better judgement, I held her so we could both get some sleep.  As many mommas know, this isn't good deep sleep, it's more like survival sleep.  Just long enough to rest your eyes in order to tackle the next day.  Every so often I would open my eyes to find her sleeping peacefully.  At one point in the middle of the night, I opened my eyes to see Gabriel's face.  It was HIS face.  In my arms.  And the scariest part was that it was the dying image of my son.  I shot straight up in bed and touched her face to make sure it wasn't cold and blue, like the image in my head.  She was completely fine, but for a moment I thought I was dealing with a second baby gone way too soon.  Needless to say, she slept in the bassinet from that moment on.

My Gorgeous Girl - Copyright Kelly Brewer Photography

A few days later, I realized that I had comfort in knowing that she wouldn't always remind me of Gabriel - because I only knew what Gabriel looked like during the two hours he was alive, and the few hours after his spirit was gone but I was still holding his tiny body.  As harsh as that sounds, I was glad to know this "deja vu" wouldn't last.  Right?  There was no way I would still look at Ruby and think she looked like Gabriel once she was out of the newborn stage.  Right?!

Sweet Smile at 6 Weeks

But the more pictures I took of Ruby, the more "familiar" she started to look to me.  It's very difficult to describe, but seeing her face, her smile, her features - it was like I already knew that baby.  It was while I was trying to explain this to a friend that I realized how to put it into words - It was as if my SOUL was recognizing her.  It's as if somewhere inside myself, I know that her little face is the spitting image of her brother.

Familiar Face at Two Months

I'm sorry if that sounds weird, or crazy.  I'm feeling both these days.  But, I'm writing this so I remember these feelings.  And I'm writing this for every other infant loss Momma out there, who can relate to my reality.  I'm not sure whether this familiar-faced-phase will last, but I will attempt to take comfort in knowing that it is nothing but a pure blessing that I'm able to see my Gabriel in any of my children. If nothing else, it is a reminder that they are all only on loan to me...

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Table for Six

Image
It's been almost eight years since we had our Gabriel.  Since we lost our Gabriel.  Over the past several years, one child in this family has continued to talk about him the most.  Joel, now nine years old and the only sibling to have the chance to actually meet his brother, doesn't often speak his name these days.  He is, however, very protective of his "Gabey Bear" that he sleeps with every night, and goes to find when he's sad or hurt.  I'm still not sure Ruby, who just turned four, completely understands that she has a brother who is no longer with us.  The only photos she's ever seen of him are obviously baby pictures from the day he was born, but she does usually ask if every random picture she sees of a baby, is our Gabriel.  But our Zoe, almost six, talks about him all the time.  She points out that there is a seat in the back row of our family car, between she and Joel.  "That's where Gabe sits."  And when she asked about the key
Read more

My Tattoos...

Image
I wanted to give some background and explanation on my little pieces of art.  I got my first “tat” (Is it still cool to call them that?) when I was only 18.  I actually got my nose pierced on my legal birthday, and then just a month later I was ready to rebel some more.  Ah, youth…   Truth be told, if I could go back in time and never start this little body modification hobby, I would.  Once I hit my mid-20’s, I realized some of my tattoos had no significant meaning.  In the very least, they didn’t reflect the most important aspect of my life – my relationship with Jesus.   Thus starting my quest to spiritualize what I was working with.  And I can finally say I am very happy with what I have on my body right now.  I would still love a memorial tattoo for my Gabey, but every time I try to decide what to get, nothing ever seems good enough to capture his memory.  So, here’s a tour… My first tattoo is actually the only one you won’t see a picture of.  It’s a Chinese character.  On
Read more

Horrible, Thanks for Asking

Image
Almost ten years ago, I delivered the baby boy who would die in my arms just two hours later.  But we had months to prepare for this reality.  His fatal diagnosis had come sixteen weeks before.  So there was no baby shower.  No celebration of the life about to begin.  We didn't have a nursery full of items we’d have to return with a sorrowful explanation.   That hasn’t been the case for my best friend. Two months ago today, I sat by her side as she tearfully and reluctantly pushed her baby girl into this world.   Silence.   Just the sounds of our gasps at the beauty of her perfect face.   There she was.   The miracle baby no one thought would come.  The one we were all so looking forward to meeting.    In absolute perfect form, but already gone.   It was surreal, like there was no way this was actually happening.   Not again.  Not to my Laura.   It was somehow holy, the thick presence of death also brought the sure presence of God.   It was beautiful, because here sh
Read more