The Storm Before the Calm
I've been struggling with whether or not I wanted to revisit the Hell on Earth I was in before finding out that Rube Mae was healthy. But, the Holy Spirit has been urging me to explain that awful waiting period. So my prayer is that this blog entry speaks to someone...
After a loss, pregnancy is very different. I feel very fortunate that we had Joel before enduring the huge loss of Gabe. We knew what "normal" was. We brought a baby home from the hospital. We had a healthy child.
And then you have a loss. And everything changes. Losing a child is really difficult, no matter what the circumstances, no matter the time period. But, I can only speak from my own experience and for us the major "trigger" in subsequent pregnancies has been our anatomy scan at 20 weeks, because that is when we received Gabriel's fatal diagnosis. That is the day our world flipped upside down. April 29th, 2009.
There's a term in Infant Loss Circles for the child you have after your loss, "Rainbow Baby." That would be our Zoe, the beautiful ray of hope after the storm of losing our son. I was just as much a wreck during her pregnancy as I was with this one, but we had a friend check her fluid levels at 16 weeks because I wasn't going to emotionally make it to the 20 week scan.
(In case you're not familiar with Gabe's story, here are the cliff notes: We found out he had Potter's Syndrome, meaning he was growing without his kidneys, and was therefore not producing the amniotic fluid which surrounded him - something that is mom's job until about 16 weeks, thus why the fluid level around Zoe was checked at this time. You cannot live outside the womb without kidneys, which is why this is a fatal condition, but how we were able to continue the pregnancy until he came on his own at 36 weeks.) Sigh.
Back to Zoe's pregnancy. I had a friend check her fluid levels and was no longer in freak-out-mode. I felt her move shortly after the scan. With Gabriel, I distinctly remember I hadn't felt him moving this early (my first gut-feeling indication that something was wrong), but I do know that I had felt him move by the time we had our fatal diagnosis at his scan. Which was a huge reason we were able to decide not to terminate - I had felt my baby move inside me! To further understand, know that because of Gabe's lack of fluid, his movements were few and far between. They weren't large limbs moving inside, but small jabs, even at the end.
Why am I going into all of this with you? I'm trying to adequately paint the picture of my recent hysteria. Stay with me. This time around, I felt baby move at 16 weeks, same as my healthy babies. By week 17, I was feeling her move everyday!! Then came the weekend before our scan. I remember feeling her Friday, but didn't feel a thing on Saturday, or Sunday, or Monday. I was convinced that this was because I was making her fluid the last few weeks, but as that job was being transferred to her responsibility, I was feeling less movement because this baby also had Potter's Syndrome. Convinced. I just knew it. I calmly explained to my husband and a few dear friends the growing evidence that all was not well. The lack of movement being explanation number one, in addition to the fact that I was barely showing and had not put on any weight.
In those few dark days, I "went there" emotionally. I imagined the confused, pained look on the ultrasound tech's face as she struggled to figure out the lack of fluid. I imagined having to explain the loss of another sibling to Joel, who is now old enough to comprehend. I envisioned all the things I'd have to turn down - baby showers, church, playdates - until I was okay enough to see a baby again. I even thought about planning another funeral, and wondered if this baby would be able to be buried next to big brother, Gabriel.
I know. I know. It's crazy. So why am I being vulnerable enough to put this all "out there??" Because, dear friends, I now understand I was simply believing the lies that Satan was whispering in my ear. And it's a very real place to be. I don't dabble in witchcraft, or even own a Ouija board! But, if you believe in the power of Jesus, you've got to be aware of the power Satan can have over our thoughts. I am so thankful to have a Godly husband, one who prayed over me during those rough few days.
And, most of all, I am thankful that all those thoughts were lies, and that I have a healthy baby girl growing inside of me! Thank you for reading...
After a loss, pregnancy is very different. I feel very fortunate that we had Joel before enduring the huge loss of Gabe. We knew what "normal" was. We brought a baby home from the hospital. We had a healthy child.
And then you have a loss. And everything changes. Losing a child is really difficult, no matter what the circumstances, no matter the time period. But, I can only speak from my own experience and for us the major "trigger" in subsequent pregnancies has been our anatomy scan at 20 weeks, because that is when we received Gabriel's fatal diagnosis. That is the day our world flipped upside down. April 29th, 2009.
There's a term in Infant Loss Circles for the child you have after your loss, "Rainbow Baby." That would be our Zoe, the beautiful ray of hope after the storm of losing our son. I was just as much a wreck during her pregnancy as I was with this one, but we had a friend check her fluid levels at 16 weeks because I wasn't going to emotionally make it to the 20 week scan.
(In case you're not familiar with Gabe's story, here are the cliff notes: We found out he had Potter's Syndrome, meaning he was growing without his kidneys, and was therefore not producing the amniotic fluid which surrounded him - something that is mom's job until about 16 weeks, thus why the fluid level around Zoe was checked at this time. You cannot live outside the womb without kidneys, which is why this is a fatal condition, but how we were able to continue the pregnancy until he came on his own at 36 weeks.) Sigh.
Back to Zoe's pregnancy. I had a friend check her fluid levels and was no longer in freak-out-mode. I felt her move shortly after the scan. With Gabriel, I distinctly remember I hadn't felt him moving this early (my first gut-feeling indication that something was wrong), but I do know that I had felt him move by the time we had our fatal diagnosis at his scan. Which was a huge reason we were able to decide not to terminate - I had felt my baby move inside me! To further understand, know that because of Gabe's lack of fluid, his movements were few and far between. They weren't large limbs moving inside, but small jabs, even at the end.
Why am I going into all of this with you? I'm trying to adequately paint the picture of my recent hysteria. Stay with me. This time around, I felt baby move at 16 weeks, same as my healthy babies. By week 17, I was feeling her move everyday!! Then came the weekend before our scan. I remember feeling her Friday, but didn't feel a thing on Saturday, or Sunday, or Monday. I was convinced that this was because I was making her fluid the last few weeks, but as that job was being transferred to her responsibility, I was feeling less movement because this baby also had Potter's Syndrome. Convinced. I just knew it. I calmly explained to my husband and a few dear friends the growing evidence that all was not well. The lack of movement being explanation number one, in addition to the fact that I was barely showing and had not put on any weight.
In those few dark days, I "went there" emotionally. I imagined the confused, pained look on the ultrasound tech's face as she struggled to figure out the lack of fluid. I imagined having to explain the loss of another sibling to Joel, who is now old enough to comprehend. I envisioned all the things I'd have to turn down - baby showers, church, playdates - until I was okay enough to see a baby again. I even thought about planning another funeral, and wondered if this baby would be able to be buried next to big brother, Gabriel.
I know. I know. It's crazy. So why am I being vulnerable enough to put this all "out there??" Because, dear friends, I now understand I was simply believing the lies that Satan was whispering in my ear. And it's a very real place to be. I don't dabble in witchcraft, or even own a Ouija board! But, if you believe in the power of Jesus, you've got to be aware of the power Satan can have over our thoughts. I am so thankful to have a Godly husband, one who prayed over me during those rough few days.
And, most of all, I am thankful that all those thoughts were lies, and that I have a healthy baby girl growing inside of me! Thank you for reading...
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| Hands up by her face... |
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| Uncle Brandon with Zoe, holding PINK-centered cupcake! |
I have followed your healing some through the years, and I am so glad that He has continued to carry you and your husband through. And how great it is that your womb has been continually blessed with babies:) I love the name you picked out, and rejoice with you when I see your posts...because after going through the multitude of emotions that grief takes us through....you have chosen joy.
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