Update on Us


I totally expected fall to be crazy, and it is.  Great-but-not-so-shocking-news:  Joel LOVES PreSchool!  He was so excited on his first day, just jumped right in with the other kids with a big smile on his face.  Some of the kids were melting, and a few of the parents were crying, too.  He was so darn happy, I couldn’t cry!  I felt like that would have been a very selfish emotion, what with all the fun and adventure he was having!  So, I came home and thought about Zoe going to school and decided to cry over that, haha.
 

Speaking of Zoe… my little girl is teething.  Oh my word.  Whoever said girls were more difficult (or dramatic, or ridiculous)…  Man, were they right!  This past Monday her entire head was just leaking.  Snot and drool were literally (not exaggerating) pouring out of her face.  Aren’t you happy I just gave you that lovely visual??  She’s been fussy, but she’s also been more clingy, which I secretly adore.  Oh!  And she started walking!  Like, full-time, just walks around now.  Too cute.  She’s been taking steps since July, but never more than like four at a time, then on Sunday she just decided she could do it.  I think she just had to build her confidence, but that she had the ability all along.  Ha, I bet that’s what ALL the parents say…
 
And now an update on me…  I’ve been pretty emotional lately, actually overwhelmed by my sadness at times.  I miss my little boy.  Yes, it’s been three years.  And yes, I am grateful for the kids I do have with me.  But, in case you don’t know about grief, it’s not something you “get over.”  And, in case no one’s told you (most people are more polite than me)… that’s a very unreal expectation.  We are taught that we can move on, but things will never be the same.  I will not forget about him and the short time he was with us.

Not sure how you feel about spiritual attacks, but hear me out…

The Devil has been very good at making me believe that no one wants to hear about Gabriel anymore.  It started right after his 3rd Angelversary.  Sometimes I actually believe that I should probably not write a certain blog, or reach out to that couple who just lost their baby, or hold an event to remember him and add to the fund we created in his name…  The Devil is very good at reminding me of the few people who don’t understand the giant impact Gabe’s life has had on so many others.  (Don’t worry, they don’t read this blog…)

But while the Devil is busy casting this doubt into my mind, I’m receiving phone calls asking to reach out to a new mom who just lost her twins.  And I’m getting an email from a high school friend who just used Gabe’s story, and a recent video I published, to share the gospel with her immediate family.  And I’m being notified of another couple who just heard the devastating news that they lost their baby at full-term, and must rush to make funeral arrangements. 

And then it happens – I’m reminded that I went through something so horrific and painful, but it was all for a purpose!  Losing my son brought me closer to God, solidified my faith, and gave me a passion I can’t even explain.  I learned the hard lesson that this life is temporary; our time here is not “what it’s all about.”  And if my sorrow, pain, and grief have to be my constant reminder of that TRUTH, then so be it…
 

Comments

  1. EmmySeptember 12, 2012 at 3:25 PM

    I love you. (that seems to be my theme with your posts.) You are the mama and therefore, you know best. Those who love you, love Gabe and love hearing about your experience (and even your grief).

    ReplyDelete
  2. BrittanySeptember 13, 2012 at 2:54 PM

    I can't believe how big Joel is! What he looked like when I first "met" you and now...so different! You should be very proud of that smart, handsome little man. And yay for Zoe! I love her precious smile. She melts my heart!

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousSeptember 13, 2012 at 2:54 PM

    There aren't enough words, so I will only say this: I am proud of you and look up to you as a mother more than I think you could ever understand. You don't need to know who is writing this, you only need to read what I wrote :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Amber LucretiaSeptember 17, 2012 at 10:09 PM

    "But, in case you don’t know about grief, it’s not something you “get over.” And, in case no one’s told you (most people are more polite than me)… that’s a very unreal expectation. We are taught that we can move on, but things will never be the same. I will not forget about him and the short time he was with us."

    This just made me burst into tears...with a great big gasp of air of relief. I cannot understand your loss to any degree. But September 25th will mark the one year anniversary of a dear little 9 year old boy who took his own life. He was in my rec programs when I worked in Maine. I have had a REALLY hard time working through the guilt, the pain and the insane amount of sadness. I feel like my entire body and mood knows that this is coming up as I have been incredibly irritable, I cry at the drop of a hat and I just feel so crappy about everything. People keep telling me that now that I work in Mental Health, I will get used to seeing this more often. I want to scream at them. The day I "get used" to a young child taking their life, is the day I should quit. I cannot fathom it. I just feel...sad.

    So I appreciate your direct approach toward those who "question my grief"...who has that right? I don't understand...

    Thank you, for being so brave to share your words and your heart. It helped me find a small piece of relief in knowing that IT'S OKAY for me to be...sad.

    Love, Amber O'Kane

    ReplyDelete

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