The Compliment

I got one of the greatest compliments this evening.   Kyle and I walked hand-in-hand as we entered Joel’s Pre-School orientation.  We were greeted by both of his teachers and one of them says to me, “We were just asking each other, ‘Do you think she always has a giant smile on her face?’”  I literally laughed out loud.

“Ugh, no.  No, I don’t.”

“She’s honest, folks,” adds my loving husband.

I think the timing is what made the comment so amazing and so ridiculous to me.  Just last Friday, I overheard the teachers asking the kids about their families – how many siblings they had, etc.  Suddenly I’m remembering the paperwork I had to fill out when I enrolled Joel into Pre-School.  It was the first time I had to actually list everyone in my family in a factual way.  I didn’t know what to write!  The number of people in our household is not the same as the number in our family.  But I soon realized that I had to write “Gabriel, deceased” so that if/when Joel started talking about his brother, his teachers wouldn’t think he had just made him up.

The truth is that I do have a LOT to be smiling about.  My husband is amazing.  No, really.  I would go on, but I’ve been told that it makes people vomit.  True story.  And I have a little man who is so loving and smart and funny.  He is constantly making Kyle and I laugh.  (He asks if we can visit “Gabe’s website” – meaning his gravesite, and just recently asked Daddy to help him put on his “I-Pod” while trying on a pirate outfit – It was the eye patch.)  And my precious baby girl melts my heart on a daily (if not hourly) basis.  Just the way she says “Mama” brings tears to my eyes.

But then I hear about something and it just makes me think about Gabe, and I find myself so flipping sad.  Usually these little triggers are spaced out and it’s not a big deal, but this weekend they came flooding in. 

Kyle took Joel, Zoe, and a friend’s little girl to dinner this weekend, while I was hosting a fundraiser for Gabe’s Fund.  A well-meaning stranger was striking up conversation with their table, inquiring whether Joel and his little friend were twins (they ARE both blond and tall.)  My hubby explained that they were friends, not siblings and then the stranger began asking about Zoe – which one she was related to, etc.  She asked, “Who does she belong to?”  Silence from the kids…  So, she tried to make it easier on them and asked, “Who is her brother?”  To which Joel replied simply, “Gabe.”

Right after hearing about this encounter, Kyle and I headed over to anther charity event.  This one was more laid-back, and we found ourselves talking to a guy at the bar.  Long story short, we discovered we knew him through several ways – his profession, Kyle’s profession, and the fact that we both have lost children.  Not long into this conversation, I knew I had to excuse myself.  I heard him describing this pain that no one understands, and this club that we were all members of although we never asked to join.  And I knew that everything he was saying was right, but I also knew I had reached my breaking point emotionally.  I found a friend, cried, and then was able to continue the evening…

A few days later, Kyle and I sat down to watch a romantic comedy (here on out referred to as a “rom-com”) and soon discover the main character loses her baby.  Really??

I log onto Facebook this evening and remember that tomorrow marks the day a friend’s son should be having his seventh birthday.  I just feel like it’s always something – isn’t it?  And I haven’t been able to shake the sadness yet…

So, no, I don’t always have a smile on my face.  But, I know that I am doing okay because I can still look at my children and feel happiness and have true joy.  I think about those few amazing, supportive family members and tear up with gratitude.  I look around at the friends I have, standing by my side, allowing me to cry on their shoulder, and remind myself that I am truly blessed. 

And then I remember that God says he is close to the brokenhearted, and that makes me thankful for this broken heart…