S.A.D.F.A.C.E.


The other day I posted a pretty sad tweet, and immediately wasn’t sure if I should have “put it out there.”  But you know what?  Making myself vulnerable shows people the real me.  I’ve never had a filter, and I can’t hide my emotions at all.  And the best part about opening up when you need prayer?  People pray!

Anyway, I was feeling like I wanted to expand on that day for those of you who were genuinely concerned for us.

There wasn’t really a trigger to the sadness, but both Kyle and I just felt off.  Like I said on Twitter, “There's always a gaping hole where Gabe should be, but I'm trying to pray my way through the pain.”  There is not a day that goes by that we don’t think about the missing piece to our immediate family.  I know that may be hard to understand, but I think it’s just one of those things that other people in our position understand too well. 

So, Kyle was outside with the kids the other day.  Enjoying our new (to us) swing set.  Zoe’s in the baby swing, Joel’s on the big boy swing, and then Kyle glances over at the third swing.  Empty.  It should have a little boy in it.  It should have an almost three year old, blond-haired, adventurous, smiling boy in it.  Learning how to kick and pump his legs so he can go higher and higher.

Instead he’s up above us all, looking down.

The funny/interesting thing is that guys and girls grieve very differently.  I know I’ve blogged about that topic before.  As the momma of Gabe, I think about the nine months that I carried him.  I think about the innocence I had before we got his fatal diagnosis.  I think about the day I gave birth to him and those two hours we were able to hold him alive.  And the hard moments that followed.  I think about that moment he opened his eyes when his Uncle Brandon was gazing down at him.

But Kyle grieves totally differently.  He grieves what should have been.  His arms feel empty when he’s cuddling with our kids.  He is sad when he’s got Joel on his lap, knowing he should have Joel’s best friend on his other knee.  He thinks about how he should be taking both his boys to the park, to go hiking, to go fishing.

Anyway, enough of that.  I just wanted to give you all more perspective on our grief.  Thanks for reading.  -Meg

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