Shining through the Sorrow

My sweet Grace, You are now one month old and your little life has already blessed me so much.  Having the opportunity to hold, cuddle, and love another precious baby has brought me so much joy.  God certainly knew what He was doing when he gave you to me.   Before my memory of your birth completely fades, I thought I'd write it all down - just as I have with all your brothers and sisters. Leading up to Your Birth After passing your due date of February 14th, my anxiety surrounding your arrival continued to grow.  I already had a midwife appointment scheduled for Wednesday the 17th, but I ended up calling into the office on Tuesday the 16th.  I was tearful and worried about all the little things that I now know can go wrong.  What if something happens with her cord?  What if it's wrapped around her neck?  What if the placenta starts to detach?  What if she's too big?  What if she passes meconium while inside? The nurse wrote dow...

Hello dear reader.  Realized I haven't blogged much about this precious baby currently inside, and for my own memory I need to take a moment and write out some details. I'm currently 38.5 weeks along, at that beautiful point in gestation where I feel like I will be pregnant forever.  I wrote a very similar blog during my last pregnancy, appropriately titled Waiting on Ruby .  As I re-read all my babies' birth stories this afternoon I realized two things about that particular blog post - First, I wrote a LOT of TMI details about everything I was doing to get her OUT.  My apologies.  And second, none of it made any difference.  She came when she was ready.  Unfortunately for me, that happened to be eight days past her due date.  NEVER before had I seen my due date, as my first three babes were all early. The shirt says it all. This morning I had a rather discouraging appointment with one of my favorite midwives, where I realized the only th...

It's August, friends.  Gabe's birth month.  The time of year I think about him more than ever.  The intrusive thoughts start, "How old would he be? What grade would he be going in?  What would he look like now?"  Sometimes I entertain those questions and allow myself to dream, but it never ends happily.  It just leaves me comparing him to others, feeling burdened by intense sadness. The other day I started thinking about how exactly to describe the pain of losing a child.  It feels like even six years later, so many people just don't get it.  This pain that I hold with me everyday, that naturally intensifies as I get closer to the day of his birth.  The only day I had with my baby boy.  So I just started writing... Grief feels so heavy.  Like someone has draped your already sagging shoulders with a rain-soaked wool coat. It always feels like a piece of you is missing.  Like you're traveling through life with a ...

I have a precious friend who jokes about her son's strong-willed personality being her fault because she named him William.  I named my daughter "life."  With her non-stop energy, hilarious sense of humor, and the ability to make you smile one minute and cry the next, she has certainly lived up to that name. Next week my Zoe will turn three years old.  She was my first healthy baby after losing my Gabriel , and then suffering a miscarriage.  The day she was born, I was reminded that God does hear my prayers, and had  finally granted me the amazing gift of "life."  It came in the form of the most beautiful baby I'd ever seen. Newborn Photography by Chandra Dickson She was also the unhappiest baby I'd ever seen.  Even in the hospital, she cried constantly and seemed rarely content.  She was colicky for her first three months of life.  It wasn't until she was about 18 months old that we discovered through the Children's Hospital that sh...

For my generation, blogging has become somewhat of a digital diary.  This website, along with the one I originally started five years ago (found here ) is something I can look back on for years to come.  A place to store memories, thoughts, and precious pictures.  So maybe more for my benefit than for yours, here is what's new with my little ones... At Ruby's Dedication Easter Sunday, with my Mom Joel will be turning six in about a month.  Holy crap.  He's been doing really well in school, which doesn't surprise anyone.  He's eager to read, loves his friends, even enjoys homework.  His love for puzzles has transformed into a love of Legos.  But the biggest surprise has been his interest in artwork.  He loves to draw pictures for anyone and everyone.  If we're headed to bible study, he creates a masterpiece for his BFF, Elijah.  If he hears that Grandma is coming over, he rushes to complete something for her to have as soo...

An amazing thing happened to us recently.  My lovely mother-in-law decided she wanted to be our family's photographer!  Just a few short months ago, she invested in a really great camera and took some photographer classes.  It's been amazing to have all our memories captured by someone my children loves so dearly.  And it's also been wonderful to schedule our appointments when it's most convenient for all parties involved.  Be looking out for major photo posts coming this week.  All credit goes to the sweet Dawn Dingle.  THANK YOU for helping us capture these moments!

I have known for weeks now that this blog needed to be written.  But, it's hard to sit here and type it out for many reasons.  First, there are three kids now.  Wowsers.  Life is crazy different with three.  Second, we just moved and it seems every spare moment I have should be devoted to cleaning, organizing, arranging.  And third, writing is very therapeutic for me, and I have been avoiding these feelings.  Still, I know I have to get it out , so here goes. While pregnant with Ruby, it occurred to me that I could birth another baby that looked like Gabriel.  I thought about how bittersweet that would be, realizing even before seeing her sweet face that it would be both amazing and painful.  And as soon as Ruby was born, we started hearing that she looked just like Gabe.  Someone even lovingly looked at me in the hospital and said, "You finally got your Gabriel!"  Um, no.  Some pointed out her chin, others her nose, and som...

Waiting on Ruby's arrival was really tough for me.  Like, up there with carrying Gabriel to term.  Obviously, now that I have a healthy baby girl in my arms, this seems ridiculous.  But, alas, it's how I felt in the waiting period. I was growing more and more impatient, anxious, and bitter.  It's not a good state of mind to be in.  I knew all I could do was cry out to Jesus, and everyday that she didn't come, and I felt like He didn't hear me, I wanted to grow further away from Him. It's funny how we say we believe that God is all-knowing, all-powerful, and yet we try to put Him in our own little box, limiting the way we view His knowledge and abilities.  We say we trust in His timing, but then we softly remind Him of our own agenda. There were several days I thought would be perfect birthdays for my Ruby.  Father's Day.  Our 8 year wedding anniversary.  June 26th just cause it was 6/26 and I liked the repeating 6's.  Hey, I was ...

Ah, motherhood.  The days are long, but the years fly by.  Zoe will be 21 months in a matter of days, and my days have been dragging, to put it nicely...  The time between 18 months and two years was very stressful with Joel, which made me worry about the dreaded Terrible Twos, and Tenacious Threes - but then the craziest thing happened - as soon as he turned two, and his vocabulary started to soar, he was a pleasure to be around again!  He went through Terrific Twos, Tremendous Threes, and Fabulous Fours!  I can only hope and pray that Zoe will follow that same pattern... Personality-wise, she's been pretty much the opposite of her big brother.  She's sassy, funny, and full of attitude.  She loves to make others laugh, and often makes silly faces during dinner just to get a rise out of my hubby and I.  She knows what she wants and gets terribly upset when we can't figure out what that is.  This is why I'm hoping an expanding vocab will ser...

I'm feeling really sad today.  It actually started a few days ago, hit a peak last night, and I've been crying already this morning.  It's not even 8am. It's been three and a half years since the tremendous loss of my son.  I take for granted how much easier life is now, since there's been time for this wound to heal.  But, there are still sad moments and triggers still happen.  What's different now is that when these times arise, I'm equal parts sad and shocked. The one my heart longs for... I know I shouldn't be surprised at all.  Friends, time does not heal all wounds.  The loss of a child is something that will remain a constant hole in my heart. It is not something I'll ever forget.  It's not something you get over.  You re-adjust.  You learn that the suffering has a greater purpose, and you remember all the things in life you have to be thankful for.  I just read this quote from Simone Weil this morning, "Love of God ...

As a Momma, you constantly have a running list of numbers you have to remember.  Just in case, at any given time, someone asks you how old Kid A is, or how far along you are in your pregnancy, etc.  So, the list of numbers in my head right now is as follows- Big Brother will be five in June, Little Girl is almost 19 months old, and I'm 22 weeks along with number four. As I was relaying all this data to someone recently, it hit me like a ton of bricks that if those are the ages of all the kids here with me, that means that Gabe would be turning four this summer! It was a very strange feeling.  The best way I can describe it is that in my mind, the son I lost, the son I don't have here with me, is a little baby boy.  He's swaddled in a soft white blanket.  He's being held and loved in a hospital bed.  His facial features look just like mine, like looking in a mirror.  My sister points out his little nose, and his sweet lips, and the little curls on hi...