Shining through the Sorrow

You guys. It's been over a YEAR since I've published anything on this site.  I can't believe it's been so long since I've made a blog post.  Recently I went searching for what I said at Gabe's last Angelversary.  After searching all my social media accounts, and this blog, I couldn't find anything. If my memory is correct, we had a very small gathering last year.  I do see photos of me with my besties.  And I definitely remember the gorgeous floral arrangement left by a sweet friend.  It looked sunny. We were smiling.  But I remember I felt horrible inside.  That I didn't make any "reminder" posts on social media, because I didn't want to "bug" anyone about remembering my Gabriel.  So, in order to not make that mistake again, I present to you:  What was said at Gabriel's Ninth Angelversary. We arrived a few minutes early to see a tent and table set up, and sweet friends already gathered.  The clouds had grown darke...

It's been almost eight years since we had our Gabriel.  Since we lost our Gabriel.  Over the past several years, one child in this family has continued to talk about him the most.  Joel, now nine years old and the only sibling to have the chance to actually meet his brother, doesn't often speak his name these days.  He is, however, very protective of his "Gabey Bear" that he sleeps with every night, and goes to find when he's sad or hurt.  I'm still not sure Ruby, who just turned four, completely understands that she has a brother who is no longer with us.  The only photos she's ever seen of him are obviously baby pictures from the day he was born, but she does usually ask if every random picture she sees of a baby, is our Gabriel.  But our Zoe, almost six, talks about him all the time.  She points out that there is a seat in the back row of our family car, between she and Joel.  "That's where Gabe sits."  And when she asked about th...

What does grief feel like when you are this many years out from the day you said both "hello" and "goodbye" to your precious one?  When the world has forgotten, but your heart still remembers?  The number one thing people tell me about this blog is that it allows them to see what grief looks like through various stages.  So, when Facebook reminded me that it was on THIS day, eight years ago, that we announced we were pregnant with our second child, I made myself sit down and write about my precious Gabriel . Here’s a riddle.  What do playdates and doctor visits have in common?  They both want your childbearing history.  I can’t tell a doctor I only have four kids, because they need to know that I birthed five.  If you’re not a momma, this may not make sense to you - But let me assure you, after talking with a variety of doctors this past year about my dislocated tailbone, they ALL asked for my complete prenatal history.  So for anyone who thi...

Our fifth baby started forming in my womb seven months after my husband underwent a vasectomy.  Maybe the procedure didn't work.  Maybe we didn't wait long enough.  Eighteen months later and we're still not sure. I tried so hard to blissfully enjoy the pregnancy, but ended up overdue and begging for an induction.  I endured a painful labor and an even more painful recovery.  There were bleeding complications afterwards, an injured tailbone, and severe postpartum depression.  It's only now, that baby Grace is three months old, that I can share these details. On social media I posted photos of my brand new baby with lovely captions such as, "The baby I didn't know I needed."  But the truth is, I was only able to share such precious words when she was finally asleep in my arms after crying for hours.  Only after I asked God for forgiveness for yelling at my other kids, as I was suddenly a stressed out, unkind version of myself. My REALITY ver...

**UPDATE:  After running into every little girl named Lily in the Tri-State area, we've decided to find something less popular.  Stay tuned for baby girl's new name!** Hello, friends!  Kyle and I are pleased to announce that God has blessed us with another GIRL!  Her name will follow our family tradition, a biblical first name and a family middle name.  Lily is a symbol of purity and resurrection, and Marie is my Mother-in-Law's middle name. Lily Marie

So I want to tell you about the dream I had last night, but the thing about dreams is that they sound even more crazy when you're trying to describe them to someone else.  Try to stay with me, there is a point to all of this. So, it's the future.  Haha, obviously.  Everything is very dark and sad.  We're in the middle of some kind of world war and are now being ruled by a very evil presence.  Someone has taken charge of every aspect of life, and we all have to obey this person and his commands.  The way we dress, where we go, when we're allowed to be out.  As I'm walking through the dark and desolate town, very scared and uncertain, I suddenly realize I'm not with my kids.  I don't know where they are, but they're not with me.  I begin to panic and spend most of this dream searching all over for them.  I'm a wreck.  I'm so afraid that they're alone, or worse, with someone who is causing them harm. I finally find them.  They...

Hello readers!  I feel like I have a million things going on in  my head, and one thought is clear - I've got to start writing more.  I've said it a million times - it's therapeutic, helps me gain insight, and allows me to clear my mind. Dare I say, I'm going to try to start two entries a week - Thursday Thoughts and Monday Memoirs.  My "thoughts" will probably be random and change week to week, and my "memoirs" will be letters to my children.  Something specifically for them to read in the coming years. So what's in my head today that I just MUST share.  Oh, this house.  Kyle found this listing online, and instantly fell in love.  I was really pregnant with Ruby, remembering our last move when I was really pregnant with Joel, and was trying my best to be a supportive wife.  I vividly remember the first time he brought me to see the property.  He had already been over several times.  Once with a realtor, then a few more times ju...

For my generation, blogging has become somewhat of a digital diary.  This website, along with the one I originally started five years ago (found here ) is something I can look back on for years to come.  A place to store memories, thoughts, and precious pictures.  So maybe more for my benefit than for yours, here is what's new with my little ones... At Ruby's Dedication Easter Sunday, with my Mom Joel will be turning six in about a month.  Holy crap.  He's been doing really well in school, which doesn't surprise anyone.  He's eager to read, loves his friends, even enjoys homework.  His love for puzzles has transformed into a love of Legos.  But the biggest surprise has been his interest in artwork.  He loves to draw pictures for anyone and everyone.  If we're headed to bible study, he creates a masterpiece for his BFF, Elijah.  If he hears that Grandma is coming over, he rushes to complete something for her to have as soo...

This will be a short essay entitled - The Truth about Being a Stay at Home Momma: Spending Habits Had some downtime just now while both girls are napping.  At the same time.  Which really doesn't happen that often these days. What with the teething baby and the opinionated-about-where-and-with-how many-babydolls-she-will-nap-with toddler. Grabbed the laptop and decided to do some online shopping and just dropped $60 on diapers.  Diapers.  Well, excuse me, one jumbo box of size 4s for the almost eight month old and an ultra jumbo box of Training Pants for the little miss.  Who, by the way, has zero interest in even sitting on the potty so I'm hoping Dora and the disappearing-when-wet stars will convince her? Because it turns out you can only clean a line of poo going from your infant's diaper straight up to her neck two times before you determine that suddenly neither the brand nor the sizing tools you've been using for the past six years is working anym...

Good morning, friends!  Decided that it was time for a little update on my sweet family.  Hope this new year has you feeling renewed, refreshed, and seeking the Lord! My dear hubby is in his eighth year of teaching.  He continues to amaze me in both his professional and spiritual growth.  He has a real gift working with children, and dealing with me.  Ha.  Most recently, he's been nominated by his school for Teacher of the Year - something he'd never share with you, so I'm doing it here!  He has the unique ability to challenge and encourage me, all the while lifting me up.  I am truly blessed to have him as both my dear husband and best friend. Kyle and the kids listening to a recorded book from my precious MIL. The whole family, in our Christmas Best. Happy to report I'm still gluten free and never want to go back.  I continue to have moments of carb-filled temptation, but the memory of my last migraine is still fresh in my min...

Sometimes I come across an article or a video, (in in the case - BOTH) that does a much better job than I at explaining something.  Today's post is one of those times.  I would like to encourage you to check out the short article HERE , and to take the 15 minutes to watch the video attached. The speech is called "Beyond Closure" and is from a TED conference.  Nancy Berns does such an amazing job of explaining that joy and grief can coexist in the same person, in the same space, at the same time.  She beautifully explains how our culture wants anyone grieving to have closure , but that it is not only not possible, but it's not best. Seriously.  Great video.  Check it out. I recently experienced this question in real life - Can joy and grief coexist?  It was this past Saturday.  Kyle was away all morning helping a friend move, and I was home with the kids.  There was a lot of excitement in the air, because Joel knew his 5th birthday party...

The month of April marks FOUR YEARS since we've been dealing with the realization that we would only have our son for a short time on earth.  Four years since hearing that he was growing without his kidneys, a condition that is "incompatible with life."  Four years since we were urged to "terminate the pregnancy," since there was no chance they were wrong. After deciding to carry our pregnancy to term, my son was born alive and we were blessed with two hours with him before he passed.  The experts were right.  He wasn't with us long.  And I wouldn't change a thing.  I'm thankful for the nine months I was able to hold him close and safe, thankful I was able to meet him face to face.  I'm grateful that he is not a statistic, but a name and a person with Daddy's lips and Momma's nose. It hasn't been easy.  My grief journey over these past four years has been painful, exhausting, and completely typical.  Losing a child is a tremendous...

Hello sweet readers.  Well, it's Thursday and I *just* remembered that I said I'd post a new blog entry every Wednesday.  Let's just blame that on the Prego Brain, mmkay? Not much new over here.  The hubby and I have fallen in love with Downton Abbey and will be watching the season two finale tonight! So excited!  I actually did the dumbest thing ever and searched "Downton Abbey" in Pinterest and totally outed some pretty major events that apparently happen in season three??  I keep asking Kyle if I can ruin the show for him now too, since I'm now watching just waiting for these things to unfold... Joel continues to do beautifully in Preschool and has his official Kindergarten registration/testing next week.  Wowsers.  Total momma brag coming up:  Found out that he's been doing so well with memorizing his scripture verses that he has more stickers than anyone in his class!!  My friend, who saw the sticker chart and reported the good news,...

I feel like Zoe is growing and changing so much.  Decided I'd update you a little on her.  You're welcome. First of all, the attitude inside that girl is growing by the day.  Quite scary, actually.  Would love some Godly parenting advice from other moms of girls.  I don't just want to throw my hands in the air, in utter surrender, and chalk it up to her being a girl.  I want to make sure I'm guiding and directing her behavior to be sweet and loving... I'm also hard at work expanding her vocabulary to more than "no." She is now climbing onto everything! Her hair is getting LONG. She had her first REAL ponytail! She's also saying her version of "please" and "thank you" at the appropriate times.  She loves to outstretch her arms and say her version of "so big."  She's still giving giant, open-mouth kisses.  She only has her beloved friend, binky, in the car and in her crib.  She's wearing 24 mon...