Shining through the Sorrow

Our fifth baby started forming in my womb seven months after my husband underwent a vasectomy.  Maybe the procedure didn't work.  Maybe we didn't wait long enough.  Eighteen months later and we're still not sure. I tried so hard to blissfully enjoy the pregnancy, but ended up overdue and begging for an induction.  I endured a painful labor and an even more painful recovery.  There were bleeding complications afterwards, an injured tailbone, and severe postpartum depression.  It's only now, that baby Grace is three months old, that I can share these details. On social media I posted photos of my brand new baby with lovely captions such as, "The baby I didn't know I needed."  But the truth is, I was only able to share such precious words when she was finally asleep in my arms after crying for hours.  Only after I asked God for forgiveness for yelling at my other kids, as I was suddenly a stressed out, unkind version of myself. My REALITY ver...

Hello dear reader.  Realized I haven't blogged much about this precious baby currently inside, and for my own memory I need to take a moment and write out some details. I'm currently 38.5 weeks along, at that beautiful point in gestation where I feel like I will be pregnant forever.  I wrote a very similar blog during my last pregnancy, appropriately titled Waiting on Ruby .  As I re-read all my babies' birth stories this afternoon I realized two things about that particular blog post - First, I wrote a LOT of TMI details about everything I was doing to get her OUT.  My apologies.  And second, none of it made any difference.  She came when she was ready.  Unfortunately for me, that happened to be eight days past her due date.  NEVER before had I seen my due date, as my first three babes were all early. The shirt says it all. This morning I had a rather discouraging appointment with one of my favorite midwives, where I realized the only th...

Dear Self:  Let's sit down and write out every detail we can recall from the epic amazingness that was yesterday.  These are memories we don't want to soon forget... We must rewind five years, to August 21st  in 2009, the day I lost my precious Gabriel.  Just three days later, 700 miles away, another momma carrying a little baby boy was receiving the same fatal diagnosis - Bilateral Renal Agensis. Also known as Potter's Syndrome, our handsome little men had been growing without both kidneys, a condition they could not survive once born.  This momma found my blog online and read my very recently published birth story, found here .  A few short months later, on November 26th, Brittany had her precious baby - Tyler Andrew.  Just like Gabe, he too was born alive and they had a few cherished hours with him before he passed away into the arms of Jesus.  A gift she credits to the very decision we made for our own son, her words, " She was the turn...

So I want to tell you about the dream I had last night, but the thing about dreams is that they sound even more crazy when you're trying to describe them to someone else.  Try to stay with me, there is a point to all of this. So, it's the future.  Haha, obviously.  Everything is very dark and sad.  We're in the middle of some kind of world war and are now being ruled by a very evil presence.  Someone has taken charge of every aspect of life, and we all have to obey this person and his commands.  The way we dress, where we go, when we're allowed to be out.  As I'm walking through the dark and desolate town, very scared and uncertain, I suddenly realize I'm not with my kids.  I don't know where they are, but they're not with me.  I begin to panic and spend most of this dream searching all over for them.  I'm a wreck.  I'm so afraid that they're alone, or worse, with someone who is causing them harm. I finally find them.  They...

I originally started writing after we received my son's fatal diagnosis.  You can catch up on that blog here .  A wise friend suggested I start a website, a place to update family and friends, knowing that it would be mentally exhausting to talk to people one at a time.  Then two years ago I started this site with blogspot.  There have been over 100 posts written in the last two years, but there continues to be one entry read more times than all the others.  The one about the tattoos . It was a fun one to write.  Taking the time to look back on all the ink, the reasons I originally got them done, and how they have transformed as I have matured.  I specifically remember getting an email from a mom after she read that entry.  Her adult son was covered in tattoos, and she didn't really understand the point behind it all.  She said my blog helped her understand that tattoos can be a way you share your life and faith with others.  She encou...

My dearest Gabriel, I miss you.  I think about you all the time.  I see your face in my sweet Ruby and wonder if your personality would have been more like your sweet and sensitive brother Joel, or confident and funny like your little sister Zoe.  Just the other week in church, I felt the very strong presence of God.  Like a lightning bolt, I heard His voice assure me, "I know you miss him dearly.  Remember that I know best."  I have comfort in knowing that you are in Heaven, with your perfect, healed, whole body, in the presence of God.  How wonderful for you.  Still missing you, though. Recently there has been a lot of drama in the Infant Loss Community.  The online magazine Still Standing , posted an article entitled "I am the Face of a Heartbreaking Choice."  You can read it here .  I quickly realized it was about mothers who were given the choice to terminate their pregnancies for medical reasons.  Part of me didn't wa...

For my generation, blogging has become somewhat of a digital diary.  This website, along with the one I originally started five years ago (found here ) is something I can look back on for years to come.  A place to store memories, thoughts, and precious pictures.  So maybe more for my benefit than for yours, here is what's new with my little ones... At Ruby's Dedication Easter Sunday, with my Mom Joel will be turning six in about a month.  Holy crap.  He's been doing really well in school, which doesn't surprise anyone.  He's eager to read, loves his friends, even enjoys homework.  His love for puzzles has transformed into a love of Legos.  But the biggest surprise has been his interest in artwork.  He loves to draw pictures for anyone and everyone.  If we're headed to bible study, he creates a masterpiece for his BFF, Elijah.  If he hears that Grandma is coming over, he rushes to complete something for her to have as soo...

I walked up to the dressing room attendant with two bathing suits in my hand. "This may ruin my day, but I'd like to try these on." She laughed politely as she directed me to a tiny stall with horrible lighting.  It turned out one suit was a little too small and the other one way too big.  I didn't buy either.  Listen, you're missing the point.  The point is that this yearly rite of passage didn't ruin my day.  In fact, the story gets better. I walked out of the dressing room area nearly floating from the relief that a depression did not immediately fall upon me, and then that Saint of an Attendant watched as I began interacting with Kyle and our three lovely kiddos, and then made a point to ask, "Those are all your kids!?  What are you talking about?  You look so great!"  My goodness.  Thank you, random stranger, for making my day. Throwback to 2007.  Secret to being comfortable on the beach - Hoodie.

Good morning, friends!  Decided that it was time for a little update on my sweet family.  Hope this new year has you feeling renewed, refreshed, and seeking the Lord! My dear hubby is in his eighth year of teaching.  He continues to amaze me in both his professional and spiritual growth.  He has a real gift working with children, and dealing with me.  Ha.  Most recently, he's been nominated by his school for Teacher of the Year - something he'd never share with you, so I'm doing it here!  He has the unique ability to challenge and encourage me, all the while lifting me up.  I am truly blessed to have him as both my dear husband and best friend. Kyle and the kids listening to a recorded book from my precious MIL. The whole family, in our Christmas Best. Happy to report I'm still gluten free and never want to go back.  I continue to have moments of carb-filled temptation, but the memory of my last migraine is still fresh in my min...

If you're wondering if I de-friended you on Facebook, yes.  I also blocked you and reported you.  Oh, wait.  No, I didn't.  I just finally got rid of my FB account!  How do I put this...  It wasn't you, it was me.  I had been talking about getting off of the popular website for awhile now, and had even deactivated my account several times in the past, during weeks of fasting.  I went back and forth for so long mainly because as many things about the website/interactions/culture upset me, there were just as many people, friends, and precious groups that kept me logged on. (Shout out to my new friend Lindsey, my BFF group, my Labor of Love friends, and my Bible Study gals.) I'm sorry that I've made it more difficult for some of you to interact with me.  I really am.  But being connected to something that was a constant source of negative feelings is no longer something I'm willing to put myself through.  I'm sorry I'm being vague an...

Dear reader, I have had quite the breakthrough in my search for relief from my migraines!  I've been so excited to share it with you, but I wanted to wait until I had time to share all the details.  So, here it is! First, some history.  My migraines started when I was 20 years old, so this aggravating issue has been hovering over me for almost *cough* twelve years.  Over the last dozen years, I have literally done everything in my power to try to both eliminate the pain and try to find the source.  I've been to two neurologists, had several scans of my brain, undergone allergy testing, visited an Ear Nose and Throat doctor, and sought treatment from the only MD acupuncturist in the area.  My final medical attempt was visiting a Pain Management doctor, where I endured several painful procedures - injections into my neck and the base of my skull - only to be in more pain after the numbing medication wore off. To say that I felt defeated , is a huge unde...

I have known for weeks now that this blog needed to be written.  But, it's hard to sit here and type it out for many reasons.  First, there are three kids now.  Wowsers.  Life is crazy different with three.  Second, we just moved and it seems every spare moment I have should be devoted to cleaning, organizing, arranging.  And third, writing is very therapeutic for me, and I have been avoiding these feelings.  Still, I know I have to get it out , so here goes. While pregnant with Ruby, it occurred to me that I could birth another baby that looked like Gabriel.  I thought about how bittersweet that would be, realizing even before seeing her sweet face that it would be both amazing and painful.  And as soon as Ruby was born, we started hearing that she looked just like Gabe.  Someone even lovingly looked at me in the hospital and said, "You finally got your Gabriel!"  Um, no.  Some pointed out her chin, others her nose, and som...

My precious baby girl is a week old today!  I figured I should write her birth story before I forget all the exciting details!  Here's the last photo taken of me pregnant with Ruby, three days overdue.  I'm on the left, posing with my sweet friend Branda, at her baby shower. Some Background Two Saturdays ago, I wrote about waiting on Ruby and described all the things I had been doing to get her to come out.  That following Monday I called the midwives' office and asked to come in to check on her, as I was growing more and more anxious.  I was hooked up to a monitor and it was determined that all was well.  I went back to a midwife appt on Wednesday for my official non-stress test and ultrasound - to basically do the same thing - determine that all was well.  I was checked and found to still be 3cm.  I left the appointment feeling very discouraged.  It certainly seems crazy now, but at the time I just felt like she was never going to c...