Can Joy and Grief Coexsist?

Sometimes I come across an article or a video, (in in the case - BOTH) that does a much better job than I at explaining something.  Today's post is one of those times.  I would like to encourage you to check out the short article HERE, and to take the 15 minutes to watch the video attached.

The speech is called "Beyond Closure" and is from a TED conference.  Nancy Berns does such an amazing job of explaining that joy and grief can coexist in the same person, in the same space, at the same time.  She beautifully explains how our culture wants anyone grieving to have closure, but that it is not only not possible, but it's not best.

Seriously.  Great video.  Check it out.

I recently experienced this question in real life - Can joy and grief coexist?  It was this past Saturday.  Kyle was away all morning helping a friend move, and I was home with the kids.  There was a lot of excitement in the air, because Joel knew his 5th birthday party was later that day.  (Pause.  How is my kid five years old already?)  We had several conversations that morning about who would be here, what we'd eat, how many presents would arrive, etc.  And then Joel said something I wasn't expecting him to say, "Momma, Gabe's not gonna be here today for my party."  Wowsers.  The comment cut right into my heart, creating instant sadness.  I felt defeated, devastated.  I was so upset that he was old enough now to understand that although he does have a brother, he can't physically be here for the big events.

Then a little while later, Joel brought it up again.  Daggers right into my heart.  After not being able to shake my sadness for a few hours, I decided to hop online and ask a few trusty friends if they would pray for me.  I also explained the situation in my Infant Loss group on Facebook.  Within minutes, I had people praying for me and offering encouraging words.  Within minutes, I had a new perspective.  Another momma explained how bittersweet a moment like this was - Sad that your children start to understand the profound loss, but sweet that they remember their sibling who is no longer here.  Insert choir of angels singing.  That was IT.  That was the reminder that I needed - that, even in this intense sadness, there was something to be happy about!  Joel REMEMBERS Gabe.  Joy AND Grief.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Table for Six

Image
It's been almost eight years since we had our Gabriel.  Since we lost our Gabriel.  Over the past several years, one child in this family has continued to talk about him the most.  Joel, now nine years old and the only sibling to have the chance to actually meet his brother, doesn't often speak his name these days.  He is, however, very protective of his "Gabey Bear" that he sleeps with every night, and goes to find when he's sad or hurt.  I'm still not sure Ruby, who just turned four, completely understands that she has a brother who is no longer with us.  The only photos she's ever seen of him are obviously baby pictures from the day he was born, but she does usually ask if every random picture she sees of a baby, is our Gabriel.  But our Zoe, almost six, talks about him all the time.  She points out that there is a seat in the back row of our family car, between she and Joel.  "That's where Gabe sits."  And when she asked about the key
Read more

The Bump Will Now Be Known As...

Image
Ruby Mae So, yeah, we found out the gender.  Surprise!!  I wasn't lying; I honestly had no intentions of finding out.  That is, until, we scheduled the anatomy scan.  And then the curiosity got the best of me. I cannot even express in adequate words how blessed I'm feeling right now.  All weekend, I was literally convinced this baby was not okay.  Yet now, here I am, beaming with the knowledge that all is well.  Our ultrasound tech clearly knew our history, as the first two things she pointed out to us were the giant amount of fluid surrounding baby, and both of baby's kidneys.  Insert huge sigh of relief.   Our little girl was modest, with both her lower parts and her precious face.  But, we did get confirmation that this is another little girl.  Seriously, how blessed am I?!  Two boys, two girls... As I sat in awe that not only was baby completely healthy, but that we are having a little girl - it hit me.  We haven't had another boy since our Gabriel,
Read more

Headache Update

Hello friends. I've had a few emails from people asking for an update on my headaches, so naturally I assumed the whole world wants an update, LOL.   So, here ya go! My latest cure-all attempt was visiting my dentist for a mouth guard I wear at night, in hopes that fixing my TMJ would result in less DAILY headache pain. It worked.   For awhile.   And, now I’m back to having pain.   Every. Single. Day.      It’s pretty ridiculous, really.   And anyone with chronic pain will tell you, it easily leads to depression, and leaves to feeling defeated. I am open to advice, and I know people like to give it, so I’d like to take a moment to re-cap everything else I’ve tried.   In the end, we are trying to uncover the root of the issue, not to necessarily take care of the pain itself…   *Headaches started when I returned from living in Hawaii for two years, in 2003, age 21. *Have seen two neurologists, and have had several scans. *Have been on every type of preventative
Read more