Shining through the Sorrow

Sometimes I convince myself it's not necessary to continue blogging.  That there is no value in taking the time to write out my thoughts and emotions.  Then I remember how healing it is, even for me, to look back on my words since losing our son almost six years ago. So here I am.  Writing again.  I know it's still hard for some people to understand that the loss of my son continues to be profound.  It's so hard to explain.  The sting of the pain is not as sharp, thank God, but the emptiness of where his life should be is ever present.  In this family.  In this home.  In my heart. A few weeks ago, my Rainbow Baby had fallen asleep next to me on the couch.  She'll be turning four soon and was refusing a nap, a daily occurrence, and I'd somehow convinced her to just wait for momma's tv show to be over and then it would be her turn.  She fell asleep waiting for me and napped for hours.  It was the most beautiful gift to be abl...

I haven't blogged in a long time.  It's not that I've been that busy.  It wasn't because I didn't have anything to say.  Sometimes when I'm really not doing well, I want to hide that.  It's too raw to put out on the world wide web.  I've still been writing all winter long, but it's been inside the pages of a journal instead of behind a keyboard. I've been going through some stuff.  Stuff too ugly to describe on here.  Only a few people knew what I was wrestling with, and those who only knew I was having hard time attempted to comfort me by saying I'd feel better once Spring was here.  That Winter was just so hard and cold.  As sweet as they were, their well-meaning explanations frustrated me.  Clearly, they didn't understand the severity of the situation.  Did they honestly think I'd feel better just because the snow had melted? And here's the crazy part.  They were pretty much right.  I look around and it truly feels ...

In the years since I lost my Gabriel, there have been many forms of media out there which have echoed my loss.  Plenty of song lyrics have adequately mirrored my pain and there are even several movies out there on the topic such as The Other Woman , and Return to Zero .  I even blogged about how the television show Downton Abbey had done such a beautiful job describing grief. But none of these examples have hit so close to home as what has recently been portrayed on Grey's Anatomy.  I was warned by many of how similar the specifics were to the exact scenario that happened within my family, so for weeks I have been avoiding the show even though I've never before missed an episode.  My sister texted me after she watched it all unfold to see if I was watching along.  She said it made her cry, that it was very raw and intense.  I wasn't sure if watching the familiar plot unfold before my own eyes was going to feel like torture, or if all th...

Dear Self:  Let's sit down and write out every detail we can recall from the epic amazingness that was yesterday.  These are memories we don't want to soon forget... We must rewind five years, to August 21st  in 2009, the day I lost my precious Gabriel.  Just three days later, 700 miles away, another momma carrying a little baby boy was receiving the same fatal diagnosis - Bilateral Renal Agensis. Also known as Potter's Syndrome, our handsome little men had been growing without both kidneys, a condition they could not survive once born.  This momma found my blog online and read my very recently published birth story, found here .  A few short months later, on November 26th, Brittany had her precious baby - Tyler Andrew.  Just like Gabe, he too was born alive and they had a few cherished hours with him before he passed away into the arms of Jesus.  A gift she credits to the very decision we made for our own son, her words, " She was the turn...

Every year during the month of October, artist Carly Marie challenges all Infant Loss parents to participate in Project Heal.  For every day of the month, she comes up with a subject of discussion for you to explore through photography and writing. Even though Gabriel has been gone over five years, for the first time, I felt really compelled to participate in this challenge.  Not all of the subjects spoke to me, but for the ones I shared online (either on my personal Instagram account or on Facebook), I wanted to gather them to present in one place. Day 1: SUNRISE.  My view down the driveway as Joel and I walk to the bus stop.  Today I will take in the scent of Fall and the beautiful views and remember those no longer with us. Day 2: HEART.  This is my most loved, and therefore most shared picture of Gabriel.  Our love for him had been growing for months, but when he was born, his precious face immediately captured our hearts.  He h...

So a few weeks ago, I went on a road trip.  There were a number of emotions surrounding this venture - anxiety over driving into and navigating around a big city, and lots of excitement about celebrating the engagement of two beautiful, important people.  A lovely visit with family, and a chance to meet a group of people for the very first time.  I promise you, it never occurred to me that the dreadful, inevitable topic of conversation was going to arise - How many children do I have. That evening, a few moments into this intimate gathering, I heard more than one person say, "So your husband is at home with your three kids?" and I distinctly remember thinking, "How perfect.  Yes, I do have three kids at home .  We'll just go with that."  I was happy, I was smiling, it was wonderful. Believe me when I say - I do not intentionally want to make people feel awkward.  I do not want to purposefully tell total strangers about my dead son.  That's not...

"If you've been on this journey with me for the past five years, you know it's been rocky and awful, with just a few dashes of joy mixed in.  And as the years went by, each angelversary got a little easier.  The pain started to diminish.  The memories of my son were becoming just that, memories.  The tiny amount of time we had with Gabe became moments that took more and more effort to recall. My soul was restoring.  It was getting easier.  Time really was "healing all wounds." And then last Spring, I began hearing parents talk about Kindergarten registration.  Their photos began popping up online, as everyone engaged in the familiar discussion about sending our babies out into the world.  How hard it would be to let them go...  And I began to ache. The sorrow returned, and the tears started falling and I think for the first time I truly understood the phrase "you'll never get over it."  Because that would mean put...