Shining through the Sorrow

I'm feeling really sad today.  It actually started a few days ago, hit a peak last night, and I've been crying already this morning.  It's not even 8am. It's been three and a half years since the tremendous loss of my son.  I take for granted how much easier life is now, since there's been time for this wound to heal.  But, there are still sad moments and triggers still happen.  What's different now is that when these times arise, I'm equal parts sad and shocked. The one my heart longs for... I know I shouldn't be surprised at all.  Friends, time does not heal all wounds.  The loss of a child is something that will remain a constant hole in my heart. It is not something I'll ever forget.  It's not something you get over.  You re-adjust.  You learn that the suffering has a greater purpose, and you remember all the things in life you have to be thankful for.  I just read this quote from Simone Weil this morning, "Love of God ...

Hey friends!  If you're like me, you love all things related to pregnancy - including bump pictures!  I thought I'd do another picture post of my belly from past pregnancies.  All photos were taken at 27 weeks gestation... Pregnancy #1 - Joel Pregnancy #2 - Gabriel Pregnancy #3 - Zoe Pregnancy #4 - Ruby The good, the bad, the ugly...  Baby #1:  Cute haircut (I was channeling my inner P!nk), I had beautiful maternity clothes I was able to wear to work (borrowed and no longer in my possession), but at this point I was starting to swell and was no longer wearing my wedding rings. Baby #2:  Honestly, this picture just makes me sad .  I know I was still trying to capture my growing body, not wanting to forget the journey of this pregnancy.  I was still active at this point (see the sneakers on the elliptical as proof), but I feel like I look big (check out that rump roast) and sad. Baby #3:  This was taken in Zoe's nursery...

I'm 27 weeks along, and most books/websites agree that means I'm in my third trimester now!  Weight gain so far is at five pounds.  This pregnancy really has flown by - I guess that's what happens when you have two little ones at home.  But yet I still fear that these last three months are going to feel like a slow creep. I'm not feeling the best physically.  I've been dealing with a horrible head cold for a week now, and it's so much tougher to endure coughing that leads to peeing (yes, I said it) and congestion that leads to nose bleeds.  Welcome to my honest world of pregnancy.  Last week, a workout left me crampy and sore, which has finally brought me to the understanding that I must stop running.  I am thankful I was able to do it for so long, and I plan on continuing to walk/bike/use the elliptical three times a week to stay active.  The heartburn has started and usually turns into full on indigestion by the evening - with a pleasant swo...

By definition, natural means:  Existing in or caused by nature; not made or caused by humankind. A few weeks ago, I mentioned that my hope is to deliver Miss Ruby Mae completely naturally.  I thought we'd discuss more about that this week.  Let's start with that definition - wow!  Labor and birth are both natural things, seen in nature, an act created by God.  How appropriate! I have many friends who think I'm crazy and remind me often that delivering without pain management does not mean the nurses will bring me a medal or a trophy... Wait.  What?  But I've already cleared a space on my mantle!  Just kidding.  I know I won't be getting any high honors if I'm able to complete this feat, but it's something that is very important to me.  I wanted to explain a little more about that, but I also wanted to open up the comment section for other mommas out there to give me tips, advice, etc. So, why do I want to do this?  Although...

I cringe easily.  It happens when I witness an awkward moment in person, and even when I'm watching something unfold on tv.  Or when I am thinking about something I said that I now regret.  Or something I should have said, but didn't.  Speaking of things we say... Ever since we lost Gabe, something else has made me cringe.  It's the well-meaning, good-intended kind wishes of people when they hear about someone's bad situation.  It was all the people telling us they were praying for a miracle after we got Gabriel's diagnosis.  It was finding out that all those people were mad at God when it was all said and done, because "God didn't hear their prayer."  And lately, it's been the person who tells the mom with cancer that they "know that God will heal" them, because they are in "God's favor." What?? Here's the deal, folks.  Our God is way bigger than some Guy in the Sky who does what we ask of Him.  He is all-knowing.  ...